Apparition
by dbrianne
Summary: I couldn't be sure of what he would do to me, but I knew he wanted me for one thing... Revenge.
1. Chapter 1

1:

The cement is damp and my heals click against it with each passing step I take. I am tired from working late at the office, and all I want to do is go to bed. I walk through the parking garage trying to find my car. I reach into my purse trying to find my car keys, but still my actions when I hear something. The faint sound of metal lightly scrapping against metal, the sound alone makes chills go up my spine, goosebumps appearing on my arms. I glance over my shoulder and feel my discomfort reach a whole new high. In the dim lighting of the parking garage is a silhouette, a silhouette of a man. He has a big build, with muscle, but that wasn't what made me afraid.

It was his eyes that haunted me.

Two pale blue windows to the soul.

I'd heard of this man... this ghost story that my father told me when I was a child. Back when my parents first started working for S.H.E.I.L.D... Before it fell apart only days ago. My father was Alexander Pierce, and it was him who knew all about the so called 'winter soldier'. He told me a series of tales of a man who did great things to protect people, but after everything that happened, I wasn't sure what was true or not. I knew he was here for a reason... I just didn't know what the reason was. I'd seen what he could do, the evil he'd done, and yet here I am drawn to the man with one metal arm. His hair hangs in his face as he strides forward through the darkness. I do not know why he's here, I wasn't anyone important, not like the people he normally went after. I want to turn and run, but find that I can't move. I'm too hypnotized by his eyes, I can't look away. He is cold as he watches me, fascinated, calculating... He lifts his hand that isn't bound in metal, and puts his index finger to his lips. He doesn't make a sound, but I swear that I can hear him whisper a faint.

'shh'

He keeps moving forward until he reaches me. I have to crane my neck up at him, he's very tall.

"W-What do you want?"

I whisper as a small smirk flicker to his lips. He grabs me, his firm grip breaks me out of my haze. His eyes hold a sadness I've never seen before, but there is a cruelty to his smile as he mutters one word.

"Revenge"


	2. Chapter 2

Everything hurts.

My whole body aching.

My mind is drifting in and out of consciousness as I lay down against something.

I don't know how I got here... when had I fallen asleep? I groan as my eyes open, I can't see a thing, only darkness is engulfing me. I feel my stomach turn at the remembrance of what had happened... a man had found me in the parking garage, but not just any man. I attempt to sit up, but I can't, I'm too weak. I glance around the room once more, but this time something catches my eye... he's here. He sits at the foot of a bed with only the moonlight to illuminate his presence, once again his eyes are the only thing that I can see. After my father's passing I'd learned what he'd done. The lives he'd ruined... How he treated Nick Fury. I knew my father was awful, and that he'd made life hard for the soldier. S.H.E.I.L.D made it their mission to inform me before destroying everything. We watch each other in silence for several minutes before he gets up from the bed, this time he moves slower than our previous interaction. He seems to savor how my breathing completely stops when he moves. I tense up and bite down on the bottom of my lip, hoping that holds in any attempt to cry in fear. I look up at him helplessly as he stops in front of me kneeling down to my level.

"Hello..."

He whispers.

"... what's your name?"

He asks, tilting his head to the side as he studies me. I release my bottom lip from the grip of my teeth deciding I should answer him. Maybe if I played along he'd kill me quickly.

"I'm sure you know."

I murmur tensing when he moves in closer, it's only an inch closer, but its enough to make me flinch.

"Humor me."

He states. I nod moving my gaze from his, I can't look any longer.

"M-My name is Emilia, E-Emilia Pierce."

I stutter without meaning to, he seems slightly amused by my fear.

"How's your father?"

He asks before he stands up walking away from me. He walks across the room, his footsteps thumping across the wooden floor. I close my eyes knowing that it was my father who further ruined his life... he was apart of HYDRA, and he was all for using it. When I open my eyes there is light in the room, not much, but enough to fully make out the room around me. There's only a bed, four walls, and a door. The room is white, whiter than a hospitals, the color seems to be a metaphor for his loneliness. I can tell by looking around that this is his home now. It wasn't much, but it was a home.

"He's very dead."

I state looking from the walls to him. He is dressed as though he's going to war. He stands with his back resting against the wall of his little place.

"W-Why did you take me?..."

I ask looking up at him confused.

"... Is this because of my father, because I know he's an ass, but lucky for you he can't do anything anymore."

He watches me closely as a tear brushes past my eye, I had been so caught up in watching him in fear, that I hadn't realized that I was crying. He folds his arms across his chest.

"Hydra didn't die with your father. There are places all around the world that are doing the same thing your father did. I want to find those places."

I lick my lips and try to think about everything he's said to me. Of course this didn't die with my father, my dad had a habit of messing things up. It was what he was good at, making the world miserable all for the "greater" good.

"And how can I help? I wasn't even apart of S.H.E.I.L.D, and he never told me anything."

It was true, after my father and mother divorced, I barely spoke to my father. I didn't know how I could help him with hydra if I didn't know anything about it. He nods.

"True, but everything is protected by passwords, and codes. Hydra still has the passwords your father made up, and if anyone knows him better, it would be his only living relative; his child."

Passwords? My dad kept me in the dark, I don't even know if I'm aware of anything that could be helpful.

"I haven't spoken to my father in four years. I have no idea what his passwords are."

He looks away from me, clenching his jaw. I can see the frustration building from my comment. He hits the wall with his hand in disappointment before he looks back at me, his gaze locking on me as though I'm a target.

"Don't lie to me. You know your father, you know how he works, you will do this."

He states through clenched teeth as I breathe in a deep breath. He needed my help, but I didn't think I could.

"B-But what if I can't?"

I whisper as he takes as he moves back over to me, his strides quicker and quicker with each passing step. He stops when he's in front of me again, bending down to lift me up off the ground. His hand is on my throat, and he pushes me up against the nearest wall.

"Then you'll be sorry you couldn't by the time I'm done with you."

He states this through clenched teeth as I gasp. My hands are over his as he applies pressure. I watch his eyes as he does this. I can't help but look at the pain in his eyes, the anger he's feeling. I knew about what they did to him... I'd seen the file, I'd seen what my father had helped do. This is a man who has been used, used by scientists who've experimented on him. They ruined his life all because of some sick and twisted science project. He's been tortured, and I knew that he barely remembered who he was before all of this. Another tear escapes my eyes as I watch him, my heart breaking for him. The second the tear slides down my face, and reaches his skin he loosens his grip on me.

"I'm sorry James..."

I whimper.

"... I'm sorry about what they did to you..."

More tears come as I watch him. He looks at me his eyes flickering in an unwavering need for vengeance. He is taken aback by my words, he wouldn't expect sympathy out of Alexander Pierce's daughter. He moves his hands from my neck pulling back to look at me, his jaw clenching once more. He turns from me.

"... I'll help you with what I can, and if I can't then you can do whatever you want to me."

He glances over his shoulder staring at me coldly.

"Why would you do that?"

He asks as I shrug my shoulders.

"Because you deserve better than what you've received..."

I pause looking from him.

"... You want revenge? Then I'll help you get it."


	3. Chapter 3

He leaves me all alone, with only the white walls to keep me company. My back pressed up against the cold paint of the my confines. I hold my legs to my chest and close my eyes, a tear escapes my eyes. I promised I would help him, but how could I help him? I wasn't very close to S.H.E.I.L.D... my older sister was, in fact director Fury had saved her on a mission many years ago, but my mother seemed content with keeping me out of it all, well as much as she could... She was terrified of what my father did, and knew that he wasn't a good man... I cover my mouth with my hands as tears over flow. Remembering my father made me sad, but it made me even angrier knowing what he'd done to this man. I know helping the winter soldier was most likely a death sentence... not for him, but surely for me. I wasn't ready to die... I myself am only 24 and I figured that I had a lot more life to live, but he did deserve his vengeance. I jump when I hear the bedroom door open and he stands in the doorway, his eyes locked on me. I try to wipe away the tears that have formed, but I figure that there's no use. His eyes dart up and down my face before he looks away, he licks his lips and lets out a barely audible sigh.

"You can stop crying. I won't hurt you... Not yet anyway."

He whispers. I look from him to my knees that are still pressed up against my chest.

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

I whimper daring to look up at him, but my bravery only lasts a second before the intensity in his eyes drives me to look away once more. He seems to stifle a chuckle, apparently I amused him.

"No, it should provide you with some motivation. Motivation to actually accomplish something."

I hold my legs closer to my body as he takes a step forward. He's slow, calculating, and pleased by my fear. When I visited the Captain America exhibit, and saw the infamous James Buchanan Barnes I thought he was a handsome man with a tragic ending. Now when I saw him I saw a cold shadow of what was, and I know my father and men like my father helped make him this way. This man was an assign for years, so it shouldn't surprise me that he was so frigid when it came to me and my emotions. He was dangerous, and he knew it.

"When do we get started?"

I ask when he stops in front of me, kneeling down as he did when I first awoke here. He doesn't speak for several minutes. His eyes simply lock on mine, it's as though he's speaking with his eyes... I can see the torment that his face didn't show. We simply stare in silence as both of our chests seem to heave at an unspoken tension. He looked at me as though he hated me, but maybe it wasn't me, it was who's family I descend from.

"You know, you have your father's eyes..."

His eyes seem to turn a shade darker when he says this, his jaw clenching.

"...Let's just hope, for your sake, you aren't anything like him."

I blink a few times, my mother told me that once. When I was a little girl, right after her and my father got divorced. She'd spent the night locked away in her room crying, and when I came into to check in on her she looked at me. She looked at me in such fear, a fear she only seemed to reserve for my father. I remember sitting down next to her and her whimpering the words that just passed his lips.

"I hope so too... I never want to be that kind of person. I would never try to hurt you."

I state as he reaches his metal hand out for me, gesturing for me to take it. I look up at him as if I need him to verbally tell me to take the hand. Surely I couldn't touch the winter soldier... I hesitate, but take it after a few seconds of fear. He helps me up.

"I need you to talk to your mother. You both have information that will help."

I shrug my shoulders, I wasn't so sure about that. Would my mother know anything that could help him with Hydra? I hoped so... He seems to sense my doubt, he glances down at me.

"Even if you don't remember, you do know something. Both of you know more than you even realize. You've seen things that give even men like me nightmares."

I watch him as he looks away from me. 'Men like me' he'd said, but there weren't any men like him. No man that's withheld the hell he has... Been whipped clean the way he has, tortured like he's been. I want to reach out and touch him, give him a hug, and tell him it was alright. That he wasn't that man, that he didn't need to be that man. But I don't... I can't. I bite down on the bottom of my lip, nodding my head. He was right though... I did have nightmares... nights where I could feel only pain and fear, but I didn't know where it came from. I was just a daughter of an agent, how could I know all the horrors if none were spoken aloud? Have I seen more than I remembered? Did my dad really expose his whole family to his repulsion?

"How do you know that? How can you even be sure?"

I ask.

"Because I have seen things. I have killed people all because it was ordered. I didn't know their names, their back stories, and I didn't want to. As far as I was concerned they weren't people, they were a to do list, and I crossed off everyone in my path. I killed mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and I didn't care, because I wasn't allowed to. That kind of life leaves scars Emilia, and not just the kind that plague your skin, but the kind that haunt your mind. I've seen people run in fear all because I was there lurking in the ever growing darkness that is Hydra. I caused pain... I made people scream in fear, unnerving fear..."

He pauses, his face stoic, and pale. He's reliving it all right now... right in front of me. He seems a little less powerful now that I see just how human he is, but I've never seen anyone stronger. To deal with the things you've done, especially the things he did, that was strong.

"... I know what that kind of life does to people. I've seen how lifeless my eyes are... they're like yours. You've seen more than you know Emilia, you just don't remember. Your dad wouldn't let you remember... but your mother, I'm sure your mother knows things that could break you into a thousand pieces in mere seconds."

When he finishes I see faint tears in his eyes. He's numb despite everything he's said, numb because he knows he can't change the past. He can only change the future. I sigh stretching out my hand, slowly I move to touch him, my hand lightly brushing over the metal of his left arm.

"You didn't deserve this."

I mumble as his eyes lock with mine once again. The second he stares into my soul I go to move my hand away, but when I do his right hand stops me, gripping my wrist tightly. For a moment I'm unsure of how he's going to react. Will he threaten me? Put his hands on me again? Surprisingly he does neither, he moves my hand back to where it was.

"No one deserves this."

He speaks in a tone that seems to kind for him... its soft, and gentle.

"My father and those men were awful. I don't know why they did it... it's wrong, so very wrong."

I look at the metal of his arm, and how intricate it is made. He sighs.

"That's the thing about people..."

He pauses waiting for my gaze to return to his.

"... They'll do insane things for the causes they believe in. Even if it means putting the people they should love in danger. Your father was a terrible man, I just hope you aren't a terrible woman."

I blink a few times, unsure of what to say. What did I believe in? What did I stand for? I wanted freedom, and I knew that James deserved that. I believe that a good man shouldn't be a ghost of what he could be. He deserved a second chance, and I believed that, with every fiber of my being.  
"Well I can assure you, you don't need to hope for that. I will give you a second chance..."

I pause as he watches me once more.

"...Now, lets get started."


	4. Chapter 4

The heals of my boots click along the pavement as I walk. I'm trying not to look suspicious, but I know that I do. My heart pounds as I walk through the night, he let me walk by myself. He knew I wouldn't try to run away, and that if I did he'd find me anyway. He needs the information my mother knows, but I thought that it would help if I went to her without him near. He might scare her, and my mother scares easily. He promised he'd be near watching while I worked on finding out the information vital to help the soldier. I walk up the winding walkway of my mother's home, I am silent until I end up having to knock on the door. It's less than a minute of waiting before she answers the door. I give her a smile, and try to act like I wasn't helping a highly trained assassin... I wasn't sure how I was doing on that, because I'm very sure I look suspicious.

"Hey."

I whisper as she looks at me. She knows something is off about me, she can tell just by how I look at her. Surely I looked like hell... tired from everything that has happened, my makeup running down my face from crying...

"I need to talk to you, and quick. It's important."

I say it in a hushed tone as she nods, stepping aside to let me in.

"Are you alright? Emilia you're shaking."

She states closing us into the house. After my parents divorced she'd gotten a decent amount of money from my father. She had a nice house, a nice car, that was the only thing my father was good at, paying off his family.

"No. I'm not alright. I need your help."

I state simply as I walk down the hallway from the front entrance way and don't stop until I reach the living room. I don't walk inside, I, instead rest my body up against the door frame. She, however, keeps walking until she sits in her favorite chair by the fireplace. When she sits, she looks up at me, no expression on her face.

"I need to ask you about Hydra. It's important."

The second I mention the word, her face contorts to discomfort. Her eyes suddenly avoid mine and she clasps her hands before resting them in her lap.

"Emilia, I have no idea what you're talking about."

She says it as though she's trying to believe her own words. As though she's trying to convince herself that she knows nothing. She keeps her eyes on her hands, I can tell she isn't going to say anything without more probing. I groan in frustration.

"Mom you know something. I know you do, and I need our help... There are people's lives at stake."

I say it all in hopes that this time she'll answer me and tell me something. My mom wasn't the kind of person who kept secrets, that was what made her different from my father. She looks up from her hands to me, her face looking less than amused.

"He found you didn't he?"

She asks with a raised eyebrow. It's my turn to pretend I don't know anything. I shrug my shoulders.

"Who found me?"  
She glares not appreciating my pretending.

"I think we both know who I'm talking about..."

She pauses breathing a deep sigh.

"...The winter soldier... that spineless assassin found you. Brainwashed you with false information, and now you're trying to save him. Well I have news for you Emilia, a man like him can't be saved."

I look away from her, pressing my lips together in a thin line. I roll my eyes not understanding what is going on. My mother never acted like this before... so why now?

"James was a good man before Hydra ruined him. He deserves to find these people and stop them from hurting other innocent people."

My mother glares before standing from her chair, she doesn't move, only stands in front of the chair. Her eyes stay locked on mine, and I can see the rage burning behind her gaze.

"I told your father years ago that I wouldn't tell anyone about his plans. He made me swear to it, and I'm not going to break the promise."

I watch my mom closely, in her eyes there are is a trace of sadness. Despite everything my father had done, she still loved him all the same. When he died she was more broken up about it than his own children... Her body is shaking, but she tries to stop herself from trembling, her jaw clenching as she looks at the carpeted floor.

"Mom, I know you made a promise, but that promise died with him. I think it's time to take that information and do something good with it."

She shakes her head.  
"There are some secrets that aren't meant to be told my dear girl. Fighting Hydra is a treacherous battle, one you both will lose. No amount of fancy metal arms could ever prepare him for what's out there. "

I breathe a deep sigh. I need to know what she knows, I need to help him. I promised him I was nothing like my father and I fully intended on proving to him that I'm not.

"Mom... Please. This man needs my help, I want to help. I just need your help, he needs your help."

Her brow furrows at the sound of desperation in my voice. I don't think I've ever begged for anything in my life, and she knew it was out of character for me to do so. She sighs before she using her right hand to pinch the bridge of her nose.

"I can't help him, no one can. There are others like your father in this world, but these one's are a different bread of vicious."

I nod. I knew that there were all kinds of evil in this world, and I knew that there were more men like my father. Men who wouldn't protect me like my father had, but I wasn't afraid of dying... not anymore. I made a promise to help James, and I would do just that, even if I died trying. I was going to make my life amount to something.

"If you don't tell me, he'll make you tell, and I don't want that to happen."

I whimper as I glance around the room taking in my childhood home. Not one thing was out of place and in many ways it felt like no time had passed. Like maybe this wasn't happening, maybe this was all some sick, twist, subconsciously driven nightmare, but I knew that wasn't true. Even if the house hadn't changed, the people living inside had. We all were different...

"James won't stop until he's gotten his revenge, and I highly doubt you want to stand in the way of the winter soldier."

She glances from me to the window, her eyes fixated on something... She shakes her head before stating;

"He needs to go back to where it all began, where Hydra first started working on him. They will have answers..."

She pauses looking the window to me.  
"... Many people believe that it was burned down, and that all the files were lost... but they're wrong. Your father and the men before him decided they wanted to make sure the building not only continued standing, but that everything was refurnished. Everything looks as it did before, and if he goes back, he'll surely find the answers he desires."

She looks ashamed when she tells me it all, but she also looks a bit relieved, like a weight has been lifted off of her. I nod in response to her words, tucking some of my long brown hair behind my ear.

"Thank you."

I whisper as I unfold my arms from my chest. She motions for me to walk into the room, but I don't. I stay where I am. I felt like I didn't know my mom, and I wasn't in the mood to deal with her. She wanted to protect my father's work, his awful work, after everything that he's done...

"You're going to help him aren't you?"

She asks me this with concern on her face as she sits back down in her chair, sitting on the edge. I don't make a sound, or make a move, I just watch her. I want to tell her that I'm going to help him no matter what the outcome is, but I know I can't. She'll flip, and I don't want to give her that anxiety. She goes to speak again, but doesn't, something stops her... a bullet. The sound of a gun going off forces me to jump. Whoever shot her, shoots her in the chest... she looks up at me wide eyed and shocked. Her body slowly falls back in her seat. I cover my mouth to hold in a scream, tears instantly move to my eyes. I go to rush forward, but she shakes her head, and weakly lifts her hand up, putting her pointer finger over her lips.

"Don't make a sound, don't move."

She states in a barely audible whisper. I bite down on the bottom of my lip and force myself not to scream as more bullets enter the room. They hit her, and I know that there's nothing I can do... I should run to her, or run away, but I can't... I am frozen in fear. Who shot my mom? Was it the soldier? I lean on the door frame, gripping it tightly. Any life in her eyes fades within seconds... I look at her blankly. She was alive less than a minute ago, and now she was gone... I don't know how much time passes, and in this moment I don't care.

"Emilia."

His voice is in my head as I stand there with my head spinning and my ears ringing.

"Emilia. Come on."

His voice firmer this time. He puts his hands on me, forcing me to look at him.

"Emilia we've got to move."

I shake my head in protest as tears start, and the realization of what just happened hits me... my mom was shot, and she was shot right in front of me. I didn't even try to help her... God I was awful. I look up at him.

"Did you shoot her?"

I ask wanting to make sure that it wasn't him... I hoped it was anyone but him. He looks around me and glares at the body.

"If it was me, I would've killed her in one bullet, not fifty."

I gulp at his words, he was right an assassins usually did things in a more swift manner. I close my eyes as more tears come.

"Come on."

He states once more, but I don't move. He breathes a deep sigh. He guides his hands to my face, forcing me to look at him.

"Emilia, I know you've experienced something terrible, but the longer we wait here the more we risk getting caught. Someone killed your mom, and that means someone is after you and your family."

I hold his gaze before I bite down on the bottom of my lip.

"Okay."

I whimper.

"Okay now lets go."

He doesn't wait for me to move, he instead guides me with him as he walks. I don't know what just happened, all I know is that I only had one person I could count on... The winter soldier.

He drives through the night, his car moving fast as he weaves his way through downtown D.C. I lay my head back on the head rest as I watch the passing lights. He doesn't talk and I know he doesn't want to. He was a man of few words, and he wouldn't waste any on me if he didn't need to. I close my eyes finding the silence to be tiring. I feel my mind drifting... everything that happened plays on a loop, every bullet echoing inside my head, shot by shot. I can only see her eyes... her lifeless eyes. And I just stood there, not even bothering to help my mother. Maybe I was like my father... cold, heartless... I feel someone put their hand on me shaking me from the haunting images replaying in my head. I open my eyes sitting up in the passenger seat, my breathing is uneven, a faint outline of sweat on my brow. It takes me a few moments before I realize where I am and who I'm with. I look at him, his right hand is still on my shoulder. We look at each other in a silent mutual understanding as he simply nods. I run my hands through my hair, and sigh.

"My mom told me what you need to do..."

He grips the wheel tightly before darting to look over at me for only a moment. After a few seconds he looks back at the road.

"...You need to go back to where it all started. When you were made into this soldier."

He watches the road once more, before whispering.

"There's only one problem with that... I don't remember much. I barely remember where it all started."

I look away from him thinking of how he could remember... I'd read his file, they'd "whipped" his memory multiple times, but the human brain isn't like a computer file... those memories are there, even if he doesn't remember them right now. I give him a small smile.

"You know...I went to college to be a counselor..."

I state as he glances over at me once more.

"... Maybe I could help you. I mean it might not work, but why not? I read a lot about the human mind."

He licks his lips.

"Maybe you can help..."

He pauses giving me a barely there smile, the first one I've ever seen him give. It's like a ghost, haunting his handsome face.

"...Maybe you have more tricks up your sleeve than I'd originally anticipated."


	5. Chapter 5

I am running... running as fast as my legs would move. He was after me, and while I knew running from him would be pointless, I still did it, hoping somehow he'd give up on me. I am running along what seems to be a deserted highway... my feet beating against the pavement with each passing step. I follow the two solid lines in the middle of the road, only being able to focus on them. My world is shaking and my breathing is erratic and I'm practically wheezing. I try to continue running, but when I feel something pierce my leg, I find that I can't. I fall to the ground my body landing firmly on the pavement, my bare arm scraping against the ground. I want to cry but I can't... not in front of the infamous winter soldier. I glance down at my leg seeing the blood as it begins to stain my jeans. There's nowhere to run... he has me. I look up from the wound, seeing his muscular figure slowly walking down the road. He's more than 6 feet away, but I can see the look in his eyes... the hatred piercing me from afar. He's holding a gun, and I know what he intends to do with it... he's going to kill me...

When I wake up my heart is beating rapidly... sweat makes my hair cling to my neck as I glance around the room, trying to steady my breathing. The room is dark... pitch black in fact. I am laying down in a bed., when had I went to bed?..

"Are you alright?"

I hear James ask as I sit up in the bed. At first I can't find him, the room is far too dark, but after a few seconds I find him, his silhouette faint in the shadows. He stands in front of the bed, he's not too close, but can feel his gaze on me through the darkness. After a second I hear him walk across the floor, closer to the bed. He turns on a lamp that is on the nightstand next to my left. I feel a bit insecure under his intense gaze when my eyes meet his. I nod giving him a small reassuring smile.

"Yeah... But how did I end up in a bed? Where are we?"

I ask him still wondering how I got to this point. The last thing I remembered were the lights of Washington as we drove from my moms house... after I told him what he needed to know. He looks a bit confused at my question, he looks almost like I should know the answer.

"I carried you in, we are where you were this morning. I don't sleep, so I figured you could sleep in my bed."

His bed? I look at him once more, but this time I realize something... Something obvious. I knew he was human, but to hear him mention something as basic as sleep seemed almost too normal for this assassin. Maybe it's because I knew what he had been through... Maybe knowing that he'd been through a series of inhumane experiences was what made him seem too abnormal for sleep.  
"Thank you... For carrying me in, and letting me sleep here."  
He nods looking from me... When was the last time he'd heard a thank you? Probably too long...  
"I'm sorry about your mom."  
He whispers peering at me through his hair as it hangs in his face. As I look at him I can see his pale blue eyes, which causes a shiver to go up my spine. He was handsome, a blind man could tell you that, but he was broken. But even broken things can be fixed. I shrug my shoulders as I remember that he just spoke and that I should probably answer him.  
"I am too."  
I state knowing all too well that nothing can bring her back now. I glance down at the bed sheets knowing that I couldn't look at him any longer. His bed sheets are a boring white, his comforter is black. It didn't seem to say anything about him. Most people could a lot about another person by their bedroom, but this was just a room. An empty void... Just like him... Just like me. I lost everything, and since my older sister doesn't speak to me (or anyone in my family) anymore, I really had nothing. Maybe the soldier and I had more in common than I'd originally thought.  
"You hungry?..."  
He asks as I dare to look up at him.  
"...I bought groceries the other day... I could make you something."  
I can't help but internally laugh when he tells me this and I think about him in a grocery store. An ex assassin of hydra with a metal arm buying food for dinner... A 95 year old man, who looks very young and is living in 2014 when he's from the 1940s... Frozen on and off... He probably felt out of place. He nods looking at me as though he can read my thoughts.  
"Yes... Very strange, your generation is."  
I smile.  
"You have no idea..."  
I pause as he nods once more, my stomach growls and I think he heard it, because he gives me a small smile.  
"... I think I'll take you up on your offer... I'm starving."

He cooks us eggs, scrambled. He sits at the center island of his kitchen. Was this his house? He for the second time today seemed to read my mind.  
"This is my home. It's off the grid... I lived here in between missions."  
I was a bit shocked when he tells me this... This whole time I just imagined that they kept him frozen in between missions... locking him in his ice cage until they needed him again.

"They didn't always freeze me... sometimes someone would have enough humanity left to let me live my life... Or what was left of it. That's when I got this home."

It's a nice home, but it seems a bit lacking. No pictures, or television. Only furniture and books. Only four walls and a few windows that have drawn blinds.  
"It is a nice home."  
I whisper as he hands me a glass of orange juice. He looks around the room and seems unimpressed with his surroundings.  
"I guess."  
He states after several minutes of silence. He looks at me studying me closely. I look back at him unsure of why he seems so intent on watching me.

"What is it?..."

I ask tucking some of my hair behind my ear.

"...Is there something on my face? Do I have egg in my teeth or something?"

His brow furrows.

"No... No I just haven't spent this much time around someone who isn't telling me what to do. I haven't spoken to anyone who wasn't a member of Hydra in so long."

He states this as realization flickers to his face. He looks sad, sad and lonely. I can't help but wonder how one lives this long only doing what they're told, not having any control over their life. Everything was taken from him...  
"I'll be your friend..."

I whisper.

"... I think you could really use one."

He breathes in and out, his gaze moving from mine to the counter top. Did he have any friends? I knew he and the captain had been friends before all of this, but I knew that they weren't exactly what they were.

"A friend?"

He asks as I nod.

"Yes, you know someone who is there for you. A person for you to talk to when you need it."

He watches me once more.

"The things I talk about would scare a person away."  
I smile up at him.

"Well lucky for you I don't scare easy. That's the best thing about having had Alexander Pierce for a father... nothing scares me anymore."

He leans against the counter top, looking interested in my comment.

"What if the things I tell you... The things I've experienced, involve your father? Won't that be in bad taste to tell you everything?"

I shake my head in protest.

"No, we could compare battle wounds. No one else believes me when it comes to him, but I feel like you will."

He nods.

"I would... but its a shame that he'd do it to his own child."

I shrug my shoulders before resting my right elbow on the counter, my head in my hand.

"That's the thing about family James... sometimes they hurt you more than a stranger ever could."

His eyes move from mine, and instead move to my hand... his eyes seem to narrow at the sight of my wrists. I immediately move my hand off the counter top tucking it where he no longer can see it. On my wrist is an old mark... a mark put there by my father... An old bullet wound.

"How did you get that?"

He asks, as my throat begins to ache... Just thinking about it makes me shiver...

"When I was 13 my dad took me shooting, he taught me how to shoot a gun. My first day I messed up and missed... He did it to teach me a lesson. He did it to teach me never to miss again."

I run my left hand over the old bullet wound, feeling the scar. I stare at the mark remembering how badly it hurt, and how angry I'd been with him when he did it. Fathers are supposed to protect, not bully. I give him a smile when I look back up.

"Sorry... I didn't mean to take this to such a dark place."

He looks at me with a whole new level of sympathy in his eyes. While his face remains repressed, and stoic. He doesn't want to show emotion... he doesn't remember how to. He smiles back at me.

"Don't be sorry..."

He pauses.

"...That's what friends are for."


	6. Chapter 6

I sit at the kitchen table with my purse next to me. In it is a file, a file that tells me all there is to know about the man who acquired my help. It holds every known S.H.I.E.L.D secret my father ever had... I would've never guessed when I got it a few days ago that this would be one of the key parts of helping an assassin. I pull the file out and sigh.

"Do you know your name?"

I ask him with slight amusement in my voice as he sits across from me. His face lacks any look of enjoyment when I ask him this, his eyebrows raising. My smile fades when I realize that he isn't amused. Hydra probably wiped that ability from him... the understanding of humor. To them he wasn't a human, he was a machine... A lethal killing machine.

"Oh okay... tough crowd."

I whisper mainly to myself as I open my purse and pull out the file. I put the file on hard surface and with shaky hands, I open it. There are over 100 pages in this folder, but I flip through the pages remembering the page number where he was first mentioned. Once I get there I begin to read it.

"...Your name is James Buchanan Barnes you were born in 1925."

I look at the picture laying on top of the page. The picture is of him... from when he was frozen. I stare at the picture in silence as my fingers brush over the photograph. I study the face of the man in the photograph. He was frozen in time, and there is pain in his face, an expression of disagreement etched into his handsome face. I feel the lump in my throat, and the tears in my eyes. Who treats another human being like this? Who makes a person suffer like this? I look from the photo to him, and breathe a deep breath.

"You're an interesting human being..."

He whispers watching my reaction to his history.

"...For as long as I can remember I've been working with cold blooded people. People who didn't care about what happened to innocents who stood in my way, and I didn't care either... but you. You cry for me... you care about a person you barely know. A man who took you against your will to complete a personal mission... a man who's need for information led to your mothers death. You Emilia Pierce are very interesting."

I look from him needing to look anywhere else. I think that was the most he's ever said to me, and everything he's just said plays on a loop in my head. He did take me against my will... Yes his interest in Hydra did lead to my mother's death, but I wasn't angry. My father involved me the second he started working with Hydra... when they woke him up again to kill more of their targets. Even with everything that happened I didn't blame him, he wanted revenge, and who wouldn't after all he's been through? I wanted to help him, and I felt like I needed to. I needed to make up for everything my father had helped do.

"No one has ever told me that before... That I was fascinating..."

I whisper glancing back up at him.

"...You probably haven't spoken to a lot of people lately."

He nods.

"I have not. No one really wanted to speak when all I was, was a trigger waiting to be pulled."

I bite down on the bottom of lip unsure of what to say next, was there anything I could say? I couldn't take away what the others had done. I couldn't make him forget the few things he remembered, but I wish I could at least take away the pain.

"Well you don't have to do that ever again. You're safe here."

Something changes on his face when I say this, it's minor but I can faintly realize it is happening. Behind his gaze there is a softness that hasn't existed in the time I've known him.

"Safe..."

His lips move, but barely a sound is made.

"...I barely remember the meaning of the word."

I want to reach out and comfort him, but I know that I can't. There is an invisible barrier between him and I, a line that I cannot cross. I am here to help him complete a personal mission, not because he needs some girl getting all emotional. Sure I wanted to be there for him, I just didn't know how to be, I don't think he knows either.

"It means I won't let anyone hurt you."

The softness of his gaze vanishes, his jaw clenches.

"You'd never be able to. I'm not sure anyone could hurt me... I have nothing left that I care about, and even if I did. I don't remember anything enough to formulate proper feelings..."

He stands up from his chair.

"...Machines don't have feelings."

He leaves me after he says this. He just walks away with his metal hand balled into a fist as he walked away. He doesn't return for hours, and when he does he only sits on his couch staring out into the darkness of his living room. He doesn't speak to me, and I can tell he doesn't want to. I leave him alone and go back to his room when he eventually falls asleep. After seeing how dark the circles are underneath his eyes I didn't blame him for wanting sleep. He'd told me never slept, but many soldiers had a hard time sleeping after going to war. Their minds on a never ending loop that keeps relaying every horror they'd seen, and felt. I knew James had seen a lot in his time, so for him to get any sleep was probably a good thing. He wanted to get revenge and to get his life back, and the only way to live was by doing things any normal living person would do. I lay in his bed staring at the ceiling in the darkness. I don't know the time, I only see the moonlight creeping in through the window as I glance out it. I lay there simply breathing in and out in a series of steady breathes, I feel my eyes start to become heavy with sleep, and as I close them I hear something that immediately sends a shiver up my spine. I hear him scream, but not just any kind of scream... This was the kind of sound a person makes when they're being tortured... I sit up in the bed the second I hear it, and before I know it I'm quick to pull back the blanket and rush across the room before leaving it. His home is a little apartment, the living room only feet away his bedroom. I freeze in the doorway as I watch to figure out what is happening. His breathing is erratic, and in the dim light of his living room I can faintly see his brow furrowing in discomfort as he lays there. He turns in his sleep as though he's trying to get away from something. He's having a nightmare, and I am unsure of how to wake him. How do I do it without bugging him further? I think on it before getting an idea. When I was a little girl and I couldn't sleep my mom would lay in bed with me, and make sure I knew she was there and that I was safe. I had my fair share of nightmares too, but I didn't know if that was the way to help James. I sigh moving back into his bedroom, and moving to his bed. I pull the comforter off and the bed sheet before grabbing two pillows, tucking them under my arm while I walk back to the bedroom doorway. Once I see that he's still sleep I move in the room. He whimpers as I approach him, his body thrashing in his sleep. I stand next to him knowing this was probably the worst idea ever...

"James..."

I whisper.

"... You're safe James... I'm here, and I won't let anything happen to you."

I reach out and touch his arm and when I do I realize its bare, completely. I look closer and realize that he isn't wearing a shirt... I am careful when I touch him knowing that I could startle him. He doesn't move when I touch him, but his breathing stops for a moment. He knows I'm there.

"You're safe James, no one will hurt you."

I speak as quietly as I can all while moving my hands from him before kneeling down next to him, my torso up against the couch. I move my hands to his head lifting it up ever so gently before putting a pillow down to prop him up.

"It was just a dream nothing more."

I state again as I reach for the comforter I'd dropped down next to me on the floor. I stand up and put the blanket on top of him, before tucking him in.

"Now I doubt you'll need me James, but if you do I'll be laying right here next to you on the floor. Okay? I will be here for you for anything."

I mumble it feeling kind of dumb when I say it... I feel like I'm talking to myself. I ignore how awkward I feel and instead grab the sheet I'd brought with me, and the other pillow before making a bed on the floor. I lay down against the hardwood, feeling a bit cold at first as my arms brush against the cold surface. I feel the goosebumps as I put the pillow down and I lay my head against is, before wrapping myself in a sheet covered embrace. His breathing goes back to normal, and I close my eyes drifting again...

Sun is all I can see when I open my eyes in the morning, and for a moment I don't know where I am. I look around the room as I cuddle the blanket closer to my body. I look around the living room slowly remembering the night before. I look over my shoulder expecting to see James, but I don't. All I can see is the back of the couch, but why was I seeing that when I'd fallen sleep on the floor? I attempt to sit up when I realize that I'm no longer on the floor, I'm on the couch, and instead of just having a sheet to cover me, I have a comforter too. Had he put me up here? I stretch my arms out in front of me, and yawn. When I do I feel my hands brush up against something... a piece of paper. I lift it, and smile slightly as I read;

'went to get breakfast.'

I look lay back down on the couch laying the letter back where it was. It felt oddly strange being alone in his house, and I couldn't help but wonder if I was helping him, or just driving him away. I could understand needing alone time, but I felt like I was triggering something in him. Something that was bigger than the both of us, something that could make him feel human again.


	7. Chapter 7

"Morning."

I state glancing over my shoulder when I hear the front door open. I'm still sitting on the couch, but I'd managed to clean up the blankets and pillows left from when we'd fallen asleep last night. I'd made his bed, and put the pillows back. He looks at me before nodding silently. He walks in with more bags than an ordinary man could manage. I stand up from the couch going to help him, but when I get closer he seems to tense ever so slightly.

"Do you need any help?"

I ask unsure of why he seems so stand off ish. He walks in and I close the door behind him. He doesn't answer me, only keeps moving forward until he reaches the kitchen placing the bags on top of the counters.

"Did you forget how to talk?"

I state when he continues to not answer me. He sighs looking over at me.

"No."

He pulls some of the groceries from the bags as I watch him in silence. He doesn't seem to be in the mood for my prying, so I decide not to. I simply step back, folding my arms across my chest while he continues to put things away. After several minutes I decide that I should just go back into the living room and allow him time to himself, but when I attempt to do so his voice stops me.

"You could've gotten hurt."

He whispers from behind me. I turn back to face him confused as to what he's talking about.

"What do you mean?"

He moves across the kitchen putting the gallon of milk in the fridge.

"I could've hurt you. You should know better than to touch a man living with trauma. I have dreams and sometimes when I wake up I've destroyed something. Last time it was my coffee table, and if you aren't careful next time it could be you."

I nod knowing that he's right. I know that I could've gotten hurt and that he could've killed me, but it didn't happen. I was fine.

"I was just trying to be there for you James. I couldn't just let you lay there while you're having a bad dream."

He doesn't respond for several minutes, he simply continues putting away the food. He leaves one bag out, handing it to me.

"Next time let me have it, and watch yourself. I can't hurt you, not while I still need you."

He says this to me coldly as I look down at the bag. I don't want to look at him when he's spoken to me in such a way. I know that he only got a hold of me because he needed me, but it still kind of hurt my feelings.

"Open it."

He states when he sees me eying the big bag he's handed me. I breathe a deep sigh opening it, inside there are clothes.

"What is this about?"

I ask looking up at him.

"I got you clothes. You can't just wear the same ones you've been wearing, we have to leave soon anyway."

My brow furrows when he says this.

"Leave? Where are we going?"

He sighs seeming like he's a bit annoyed as if I should know already.

"You're mom told you that I needed to go back to where it began, and after reading the file you left out on the counter I found out where that was."

I take a closer look at the clothes sighing.

"And where would that be?"

I ask as I put a hand in the bag moving the clothes about so I could get a better look at what they look like. He got me jeans and tops that were stylish, but I knew that he didn't pick them out he had someone else do it.

"According to that file I fell to my 'death' when I was helping Captain America during World War two. It's in the mountains."

I nod remembering that I read that in the Captain America exhibit back when my dad dragged me there after its first opening. I sift through the rest of the clothes and blush when I see the underwear he'd bought. He looks at me blankly when I dare to look up at him.

"What? Do you not like them the lady at the store said they were what you women wore."

I feel my face redden when he says this.

"It is... it's just I didn't think you'd get me everything I'd need."

He blinks a few times no understanding the embarrassment on my face.

"It's just undergarments Emilia."

I bite down on the bottom of my lip unsure of what to say.

"Can't I just go home and pack clothes of my own. I'm going to need lady things, one bag isn't enough."

His eyes narrow.

"Someone just killed your mother, and you want to go home? Someone was after her which means they're probably after you. Did you not just hear how it's important that you stay alive?"

I roll my eyes throwing the bag at him.

"Yes. I heard that. I heard that you need me alive, because you need me for this. And I know that you don't remember much, but you're a soldier who can fight. You're the infamous Bucky Barnes, just cover me while I get my own clothing so I can feel a little like myself."

His eyes narrow even more when his hands grasp the bag of clothes I've thrown him. He doesn't seem to happy with my sassing him, but I felt like I had to.

"We're doing things my way Emilia."

He states through clenched teeth as I roll my eyes once more.

"No, you want me to help you with a mission that is most likely going to end with me dying. Now I don't mind helping you because you deserve justice, but if I'm going to die, it's going to be in my clothes."

He takes a few steps forward only stopping when he's in front of me, inches away. He looks down at me.

"Fine but I go in with you. Now get changed, and then we'll get your things, but you need to be quick. If you're not done within 15 minutes, I'm dragging you out of there regardless of if you've packed or not."

He walks past me, his metal arm brushing mine. I watch after him as he walks away feeling a bit sad, after last night I'd thought I'd helped him, that we understood each other, but he's never felt more distant...

As it turns out he doesn't live that far from me, about 20 minutes away from my little town house in downtown Washington D.C. He pulls into my driveway with alert eyes as he sits up strait looking around. When he decides that it's safe he gestures for me to get out after he does, which I do without question. After what was said between the two of us back at his home, I'd decided to not say anything without him speaking first. He parks around back less than five feet from my back door. Before I'd left I'd grabbed my keys from my purse, the purse I had on me the night he got a hold of me. I pull them out of the jean pocket's he'd bought for me. I would be lying if I said it didn't feel good to actually change clothes, and while these weren't mine, they were better than nothing. My heals click against the pavement of my driveway as he follows behind me. He doesn't touch me, but I can feel him without skin on skin interaction. I move the key to the lock, unlocking the door before walking in. I flip on the lights that are to my left when I step over the threshold. I walk into the kitchen as he follows me closing the door behind us. My house feels like it isn't mine, I feel like a visitor in a new place...

"Follow me."

I whisper looking around my vacant and empty house. The only sound being made is our feet as we walk across the hardwood floors. My house is small with only one bedroom upstairs, but right not my house felt even smaller. I felt like the walls with photographs of my family were caving in around me. We walk until we reach the stairs which I walk up, with him trailing behind. Once we reach the landing he stops.

"Go on in, and pack. I'll wait here."

I nod walking from him, I enter my bedroom flipping on the light. In my closet is a duffel bag which I grab. I throw it onto my bed, and try to think of everything I need. First I go to my undergarments grabbing the majority of them along with some bras that I would be needing. I open the next drawer down and grab every pair of jeans I own, and grab as many shirts as I can fit into the bag. I grab any famine product I can; makeup and toothbrush along with toothpaste. I know that all of this might seem unneeded but if I had to go under cover at any moment, then I needed to be read, or at least that was what I rationalized in my head. I find my phone charger, and my laptop putting that in my laptop bag.. I don't know how I've managed to do it, but I packed everything in less than ten minutes. I grab both bags off the bed taking them out into the hallway where he still stands. I look at him vaguely unsure of what to say.

"Done."

Is I manage to mutter as he nods. He gestures for me to bring the bags to him which he takes them from me. As he takes it I realize that there's one more thing I need... something my mom gave me.

"I need one more thing..."

I whisper.

"...I'll meet you downstairs in the car in a minute."

There's protest in his eyes, but he doesn't say anything. He just takes them and turns away as if I didn't say a thing. Once he's gone I go back into my room. I move to my dresser once more opening the top of it. When I was a little girl my mother gave me a necklace, and it was the only thing I had left of her, and I refused to not bring it with me. I smile when I find the black box that holds my necklace, but when I pull it out, something makes me stop in my tracks... a voice.

"I knew you'd come home eventually..."

It's a male voice... someone I haven't seen in months. I look up in the mirror, locking eyes with the person I never wanted to see again.

"... Of course he'd bring you back here. You are very persuasive, did you sleep with him to get you here?"

I clench my jaw when he says this before I turn to face him. When I do I feel my stomach turn... he looks different. There are burns covering his arms, and face...

"What do you want Brock?"

I ask trying to ignore his change in appearance.

"I'm just checking in on my lovely little girlfriend..."

His voice drifts as he scans my body... I roll my eyes... I haven't been his girlfriend in months. He takes a step forward, and I take one back unsure of what is going on. What was he doing here?

"...You're father was smart, helping set us up together. Now I can really finish his work, especially with him wrapped around your finger."

I gulp as he takes a step forward, eyes still fixated on me.

"What's going on?"

I state backing up until my back hits the wall. There's a look in his eyes that I've never seen before.

"I'm here to make sure the other hole in the ship puts a cork in it. After I shot mommy dearest I figured you'd think twice before helping the soldier."

I look at him wide eyed... did he just admit to killing my mom? I think he did.

"What are you afraid of Hydra's secrets getting out?"

He smirks.

"Oh sweet heart, I am one of Hydra's secrets."

He moves his hand to his holster attached at his hip, pulling out a gun. I put my hands up in defense.

"You don't have to do this."

I whisper looking at the gun without being able to look away. He stifles a chuckle.

"Believe me I don't want to, you know how much I have enjoyed your company in the past. And believe me you were fun while you lasted, but with Hydra prisoners don't exist..."

He pauses licking his lips.

"... But we could give it another go, just for old times sake."

I shake my head in protest, but don't say a word. He chuckles as he goes to pull the trigger. I can't move. I can't shout, and even if I did he could kill me before James could even get to me. He pulls the trigger, but a bullet doesn't hit me. James pushes me out of the way, using his metal arm to make the bullets bounce off of his arm. He moves fast at an almost lightning speed. He knocks the gun out of his hand, but Brock is expecting it. He fights back punching as hard as he can. They exchange blows, and it is all a blur moving faster than I can really process. Something hits my foot, and my eyes move to the object... Brock's gun. James must've kicked it away from him... I reach down trying not to draw attention to myself, but they seem to be so wrapped up in fighting each other that it's like I'm not even there. I lift the gun pointing at them and I try to focus. I haven't shot a gun in years, and I really didn't want to hit James... I focus on Brock, but I don't want to kill him... so I aim for a shoulder shot. It's hard since they keep moving, but I keep my eyes on them both focusing as hard as I can. Once I think I've got my target locked, I pull the trigger. The sound of a gun echoes off the walls of my bedroom... and Brock drops to the ground... I've managed to shoot him in the arm, I don't want to kill him I only want to distract him. James kicks him to the ground, his knees buckling from underneath him. Once he's down James hit him again, this time knocking him out cold. James turns to me, his chest rises and falls in heated aggression as he turns to face me walking across the room. He doesn't say anything only grabs me and drags me with him through the house until we're outside. He shoves me up against the car door of the passenger side, his body inches from mine. His chest is still rising and falling at a rapid pace as he looks down at me.

"What the hell was that about?"  
He asks as he moves in even closer, and my breathing hitches. Being this close to him made me uneasy, not because he scared me in this moment, but because I can tell I've disappointed him.

"He attacked me."

I whisper in shock... sure I'd known about his ties with S.H.E.I.L.D, but he was apart of Hydra. He killed my mother... Sure we weren't together, and months had passed, but I had cared about him... I loved him before things went wrong. I close my eyes feeling stupid, my father had introduced us, and that should've been my first hint at Brock being a bad man.

"No. After I put your stuff away I came up here to make sure you didn't try to pull anything...I heard what he said, every word."

I open my eyes looking up at him, I shrug my shoulders.

"I used to be in love someone in Hydra apparently."

He glances down at me, eyes fixating on me in an unspoken desire I've never seen before. He wants to say something, but he doesn't, he instead just breathes a deep sigh.

"Are you alright?"

He asks as I nod, but I'm not. I'd just found out that my mom was murdered by someone I used to date. Someone I'd trusted, I look up at him and shake my head 'no' as tears start to form. He looks down at me unsure of what to do, he looks a bit awkward as he watches me. After a moment he reaches out for me drawing my body up against his, before wrapping his arm around me loosely.

"Shh... You're okay..."

He pauses running his right hand through my hair as he holds me.

"...You're safe Emilia, no one will hurt you..."

He repeats what I said to him when he'd been having his nightmare last night.

"...Now I doubt you'll need me, but if you do I'll be laying right here. Okay? I will be here for you for anything you might need."

He pulls back to look down at me, he's trying his hardest to show me compassion.

"Now come on lets get out of here."


	8. Chapter 8

My laptop seems oddly out of place on his counter plugged into the wall while he makes dinner. I don't know when he remembered how to cook, but I've been thankful for it, because I can't, not well anyway. I watch him with intrigue as he mixes pasta with a spoon. After what happened back at my house with Brock Rumlow I was scared. I'd loved him, and it had all been a lie... he was apart of hydra and was the reason my mother for my mother's death... I feel the tears coming on, but his voice brings me back to reality.

"How long were you two together?"

He asks with his back still to me, I can't see his face, but I can tell that he's most likely staring at the pasta with intensity in his gaze while he stirs the sauce on the burner next to it. I sigh holding in the urge to cry... the last thing I needed him to do was see me cry... again.

"Two years."

I whisper shrugging my shoulders as though it was no big deal. No big deal that while we've been broken up for a few months I still had loved him... He'd gone to my mother's house and various other family events.. I loved him... I trusted him, and he did this.

"Must be nice to love... I barely remember how to."

I look at his back once more feeling bad when I hear him say this. I move from around the counter and to him, making sure my footsteps are heard as I walk. Once I reach him, I move my hand to his back. He tenses for a moment before glancing down at me.

"You will."

He nods looking at me in an unsure fashion, as if he doesn't know what to do or what to say.

"How can you say that when you know the things they've done to me? The things I've done to others... I've killed many people."  
I did know... I knew all about how they'd strap him to a chair and wipe his memories all so they could use him to kill whoever they wanted.

"Because you're Bucky Barnes. You're a great man who helped one of the worlds greatest heroes at a time where the world was falling into chaos. You were brave, and beautiful to do so. Captain America was your best friend... I'm surprised you didn't go to him for help."

I state as his gaze intensifies.

"I couldn't go to him... he's always had faith in me, and after all I've done... I just couldn't face him. I can never face him."

I shake my head in protest moving my hand from his back, I guide his body to face mine, and he allows it, but only because he's curious as to what I'm up to. I take his hands in mine looking at them, I loosely grip his metal hand, and I can't help but study it. I couldn't believe that they'd managed to make an arm like this... I sigh before stating.

"A friend like Steve Rogers will never judge you. He knows what you did wasn't your fault and I'm sure he'd only want to help you."

He sighs.

"And how would you know? You've never met him."

I nod because he is right. I've never met the infamous Captain.

"You're right, but I'm going to let you in on a little secret... Do you know how I know he's a good man?"

I ask glancing back up at him as he shakes his head 'no'.

"Because... there's this amazing thing called a museum and sometimes you can go to them and learn things about famous people."

He rolls his eyes when I say this, a faint smile on his lips.

"Watch it smart mouth."

I laugh when he says this, before I move my hands from his, allowing him to finish making dinner. He turns off the sauce pan before straining the pasta. With his back to me he asks;

"Was I really the things you said? Was I brave?"

I smile nodding.

"Yes you were James...To die for what you believe in, and for the good of others without running away is very brave."

His smile returns.

"What about the part where you called me beautiful? Was that true, do you think I'm beautiful?"

I look at him and feel my cheeks begin to redden. I don't want to talk about the fact that he's handsome... I'll just look like an idiot. So instead I move my eyes to the pasta now in the strainer, and then at the sauce in the pan on the stove. Tucking my hair behind my ear I try and change the subject.

"So yeah dinner looks good. Who knew an ex assassin could cook."

He sighs.

"I can't. I just learn quickly, the only good thing about being turned into this monster is that I pick up on things quickly."

Of course he did... he was a highly trained killer. A person who was used to kill over two dozen people, I fold my arms across my chest as I realize that I am still in the company of a man who could hurt me if he wanted. Yes that sounds stupid because of all I know about him, but maybe it was just my way of copping. Maybe pretending he wasn't as much of a threat as I knew he was, was how I could sleep at night.

"Well, it's impressive. Most of the men I know can't cook for the life of them."

He opens the cupboard that seems to hold bowls, and begins to scoop pasta into it. After putting sauce on the pasta he opens the silver wear drawer and puts a fork in the pasta before handing it to me.

"Eat up. We're leaving in the morning."

I take the bowl, my fingers brushing against his as I take it. I smile up at him, but find that the smile doesn't reach my eyes. I knew eventually that we were going to go, but now that it was actually happening I felt nerves. Was I going to get killed in this attempt at righting the wrong? I hoped not, even though at this point I'd already come to terms with the idea that I may end up six feet under by the end of this. I glance at his metal arm as he turns his back to me so he can make himself a bowl.

"How are you going to get through air port security with your arm?"

After I say it I feel rude... I'm sure the metal arm wasn't exactly his favorite, and that it was all apart of the trauma he'd endured during the experiments done on him.

"I'm sorry..."

I whisper as he stands in front of me, his head craning to look down at me.

"... I talk before I think, and I'm rude... I'm sorry."

He simply nods.

"I know how to travel in secret."

I bite down on the bottom of my lip deep in thought before I run my hands through my hair. I was going to have to help him access my father's information... All his passwords.. Everything. I feel anxious just thinking about it. If I didn't do this right, I'd blow it all... I'd ruin his chance at having revenge, and worse the rest of hydra would keep going. I close my eyes for a moment, before I breathe a deeps sigh.

"Can you promise me something?"  
He nods once more, not wanting to verbally answer me.

"If I mess up and you do have to kill me... could you do it in a way that isn't painful. Just do it quick."

When I say this something flickers in his eyes. I don't know what emotion dances in his eyes, but I can tell that he's not happy with my question. His jaw sets, and he breathes a deep sigh.

"Do you want me to kill you?"

His voice quivers as we watch each other in an unspoken heated stare down.

"No."

I whimper, as he gives me a bitter look. A look that makes my blood run cold, a cruel smile moves to his lips.

"Then try not to mess up."

He leaning in ever so slightly, his body closer to mine. I feel my breathing hitch as our gazes lock and his lips move in closer... His mouth moves near my ear, and chills go up my spine as he whispers.

"...Because I'd hate to have to hurt that pretty little face..."

He pauses pulling back to look at me.

"...Now eat. We're leaving in the morning, bright and early."

I am moving, but laying perfectly still. I turn ever so slightly and nuzzle my head against the pillow, but the pillow is nothing like the one's I've slept on before. I groan at how tired I feel before I open my eyes. Everything is out of focus, and I feel slightly hungover. I groan once more before trying to lift my head from my pillow, but I find that I can't. My head rests back down on the surface, but this time I realize something... this isn't a pillow. I was laying on a chest, but not just any chest... his. I feel my breathing start to get a bit uneasy as I look up at him. As much as I want to move from him, I can't. I'm too out of it to really move. How did we get here? Had I fallen asleep? After we'd spoken at dinner I felt a little weird, but I thought that was just because that was the first real meal I'd eaten all day... but maybe there was another reason for my feeling off...

"You drugged me."

I whisper watching him as he merely nods in response.

"You were growing anxious about the task at hand, so I made it easier for the both of us."

I look at him in disbelief as I study where we currently are. We're in a car, and my body is pressed up against his while we sit in the back, my head still where it was when I awoken. I go to move away, but he stops me.

"Don't think about trying anything."

I sigh trying to calm my breathing. Right now I was completely useless. I am weak, tired, and frustrated that he'd drug me, but after our conversation prior to this situation I shouldn't be surprised. The car hits a pot hole and my body pushes up against his, my head lightly rising and falling against his shirt covered chest.

"If you wanted me to get closer to you, you only had to ask... no drugs were necessary."

He doesn't respond only breathes, we fall into a pattern of breathing in unison as we sit together my body limp against his. I don't know where we are... were we even in the united states anymore?

"Please at least tell me where we are."

I beg hoping he'll at least tell me that much. He glances out the window before stating simply.

"We're where they made me who I am... Russia."

*** Thank you to the people who've read/reviewed this! :)


	9. Chapter 9

"Russia?"

I ask him in awe suddenly finding a little strength to sit up without my body being completely up against his. My legs are draped over his, and as my eyes scan over how we are laid together, I realize that my legs are bound together by rope. His right arm is wrapped around my back, and is the only thing keeping me from falling back awkwardly into the seat of the car. He is silently watching me as I take in my surroundings. I don't know how we got here so quickly, whatever he'd knocked me out with must've been something strong because we'd managed to go from Washington D.C. To Russia...

"You must be tired..."

He whispers, his lips inches from my ear, his arm moving against my back.

"...We're almost where we need to be, and then you can sleep all you want."

I sigh, my brow furrowing as I look at his chest. I refuse to look at him, despite the fact that I seem okay with our current arrangement, I wasn't. I was angry that he'd drugged me, angry that he took me out of the country without me even being conscious. I clench my jaw looking out the window, the window has a dark tint to it, and I know, no one could see us if they dared to look in. It's his turn to sigh when he realizes I'm not going to respond to him right now... I am too frustrated to do so.

"Emilia, it was easier this way."

He whispers once more, his lips still inches away. I ignore the chills that are in the wake of him speaking so close to me... I instead roll my eyes.

"Save it. You might be a soldier who's had very little human interaction in the last 70 years, but if you want this to work you're going to have to talk to me. You're going to have to give me a heads up. I know I'm not the best fighter, but if you need me to suck it up for the sake of what needs to be done, I can do it..."

I turn to face him eyes locking with his. Our faces are within inches of each other, our lips could touch if the car hit another pot hole...

"... I can do what needs to be done. I just wish you trusted me enough to do it."

He stares at me blankly.

"How can I trust you? How can I trust anybody? The world is full of people who are only looking out for themselves."

He's right... there are plenty of people who live their lives like this, constantly living for themselves without a care in the world, but I wasn't like that. I wanted to trust him because he was the only person I had left...

"You can trust me because I made a promise to you that I would help you, and I will do it. No matter what it takes I will help you to the best of my ability."

I look away from him when I finish speaking, my frustration evident on my face. I bite down on the bottom of my lip. I don't know if it was because of everything I've seen and gone through over the last week, but I was tired, and moments away from crying. I felt like all I've done since he's contacted me is cry.

"Please untie my legs, I promise I won't run away, not that I could anyway."

I whisper the last part to myself as he breathes in and out in annoyance. He moves his arm from propping me up to my legs where he unties the constraining rope. Once my legs are free I swing them to the side, laying my feet on the floor of the car. It feels cold without my legs touching his, the lack of body heat making goosebumps form. Suddenly I wish I didn't move away from him... I stare out the window again looking at darkness around the car. It must be the middle of the night, but I had no way of knowing for sure, for all I knew I was still out of it from the drugs he'd put me under. I zone out until I feel his hand on me. An act that makes me jump when he does it.

"Are you mad at me?.."

He asks as I glance over my shoulder locking my gaze with his. When I don't answer him he simply nods.

"...I've had minimal experience with an angry woman... I don't know what to do."

When he says this I feel the urge to smile, his face looks so helpless.

"I just want you to keep me in the loop... I don't want to be drugged again. For now on just trust me to do what needs to be done."

It's his turn to look out the window and study the passing trees in the darkness. He seems content with my answer.

"Good. You'll have more than enough chances to prove yourself. This is when things get a bit more intense... this is when you're going to be pushed in ways you never thought possible."

I shudder to think of what he means... What would I have to do? I could only imagine. The car begins to slow down, and I inch to the side until my hand reaches out to touch the window. We are in the middle of nowhere. It seems like we're in the root of the mountains, it's cold and there's snow. The stops and he sighs reaching around me to open the door. Cold air hits me immediately as he guides me out of the car in front of him. His manhandling me, and I am unsure of what to make of it. My feet rests against the snow covered ground as I look at what is in front of me. Built into the mountain is a building. From the outside it looks like a strange little home creatively built, but the bars on the windows tell a different story.

"Where are we?"

I ask tucking some of my hair behind my ear as the window kicks up and snow blows all around us. He doesn't respond at first, he instead goes to the trunk grabbing our bags. He throws them over his shoulder before slamming the trunk shut.

"Where they started doing tests on me. It was in the file."

I look at the building in horror... this was the place where they'd cut off his arm and did those awful tests?

"Go inside. I'll meet you in there."

I turn to face him in confusion, his tone is off, and I can tell something is wrong. His hand moves his pocket, and when I focus my gaze I realize he's gripping a gun. I know from the look in his eyes that he's about to use that gun, but not on me... I look at the car, and realize the bullet in that gun is for the driver.

"James, what are you doing?"

I ask hoping that it's not what I think it is. His gaze is cold, and detached. The man in front of me isn't thinking like James, he's thinking like the soldier. He knows I know what's going on.

"I can't let him go. If someone finds him they could find us."

He says this grimly, eyes never leaving mine. My eyes widen at the idea of the person who drove us dying all because he was doing his job.

"Don't do it."

I whisper this, but my voice travels through the wind reaching him like a faint cry. His gaze doesn't change, and he draws his gun. I watch helplessly as I think back to the time I visited the Captain America exhibit, when I first laid eyes on James Buchanan Barnes. His face next to the famous captain and hero, the museum told a story about a man who fought for his country. A man who came from a small town and became a real life inspiration. Hydra had ruined him... and right now I could see the results of that ruin. I shake my head in protest even without him speaking I know he will most likely will do what he wants.

"You're a good man James... You know you are. That person is just doing their job, they don't deserve to die because they were doing what they're paid to do..."

I pause as he turns from me pointing the gun at the car.

"... Bucky please... Don't be what Hydra wants you to be. Be who you want to be."

From the side view I can see him bite down on the bottom of his lip before he glances over his shoulder to look at me. He drops the gun before turning to face me. He huffs in annoyance before moving from car, he takes a few steps forward stopping in front of me. He hands me money for the driver and walks around me without looking back. I feel the anger radiating off of him as he passes me, but I'm not going to back down. I wasn't going to let him kill an innocent, it would only damn him further, and haunt him in the long run. I move to the window knocking on the glass before the driver rolls the window down and takes the money. I give him a smile before walking away from the car to the building. I don't really want to walk in there, because it looks creepy. It looks like it's going to be infested with dust, and bugs. But like I'd told James in the car, I was going to do whatever it took help him, even if it was walking into a creepy old lab that used to experiment on innocent soldiers. I follow the footprints James had made minutes ago. The snow is deep and the shoes I'm wearing aren't exactly appropriate for snow. In front of the entrance there are a few stairs to go up, they are stone, and are crumbling. I hope the inside is holding up better than the stairs... I stop in front of the door, placing my hand on the knob. Whatever was behind this door was part of the key to unlocking Jame's mystery. He wants to take down Hydra, and my mother was right, we need to start with where James' life had changed... I just wished that the place was one without so many cobwebs... In fact when I open the front door this is all I see in the shadows. Cobwebs and a musty smell is what I'm met by. I take a step inside and feel shivers go up my spine when I see all the abandoned tables and chairs flipped over. It looked like someone had flipped out and started a fight. There are indents in the wall, where someone had been thrown. I close the door behind me when I walk in.

"James?!"  
I call through the darkness hoping he's not too far away. I squint my eyes moving my gaze all around me as I attempt to see where I'm going. My hand reaches out to my right, hoping there's a light switch of some kind. I find one, and flip it on, light flickers all throughout the room. I walk further into the abandoned building. It looks like an old hospital... like the kind you find in a horror movie... the walls seem to have seen more horrors than anything. The old chipping paint a hint at what was, and how much time had passed. Every picture, every piece of furniture, everything was out of place or thrown about. Whatever had happened here, seemed to leave a huge mess.

"James, please come out."

I whisper hoping that he'll show himself if I sound desperate. In front of me is a doorway and it seems to be the start of a hallway, and when I reach it I freeze feeling like I can't move forward. Maybe it's fear, or the fact that I knew I wasn't supposed to be here. I stand there for several minutes with my hand resting against the framing of the doorway. I don't know how long I stand there, but it's long enough for me to zone out, and for his voice to scare me as it breaks me out of my thoughts.

"It's completely empty..."

He whispers through the dim lighting of lab.

"... We're going to stay here. It's safe I checked over everything."

I nod, giving him a small smile.

"Seems cozy."

I whisper sarcastically before he looks away from me.

"It's not the nicest place, but it's better than freezing in the snow."

He was right, outside held wind that wasn't like anything I've ever felt before. He moves closer to me, his hands reaching for me.

"Come on, I put our things downstairs in the basement."

I don't say anything. I only let him guide me down the hall, all across the floor is dust. Random objects on the floor, scattered about. Just like the room I'd walked into, everything looked like it had been left there after a fight. We make a left, and then a right before reaching stairs that lead down to the basement. The door leading to the basement is metal, and looks like something used to seal an object inside. We walk inside together, and the light is as dim as the light in the entrance. It is cold in here, and as if he can read my thoughts he whispers.

"I'll turn on the heat in a moment."

My teeth chatter as I look at him nodding. How was he not freezing? Maybe it was because of all the things his bodies' experienced in his life... maybe now he was numb. I look around the room and it looks like an old study. There are two worn couches and a fireplace. It looked like a place where people would relax.

"What is this place... I thought it was a basement."

I state looking at him as he moves to a table where are bags lay. He looks up at me for a moment before opening his bag, taking out a gun. I look at it nervously while he responds.

"It's a place where the doctors used to go in the spare time. A place for them to rest peacefully."

He sounds disgusted when he says this, but I understood it... these people were torturing innocent men all for Hydra. They were being experimented on, treated like lab rats all for the 'greater good'. I'm so zoned out and frustrated that I don't even realize when he's standing in front of me. I look up at him he brings me forward, eyes focused on mine.

"It's scary..."  
I whisper as he draws my body against his.

"... To think of such evil men as human."

He nods, eyes looking me over. I don't know why he is watching me so closely, but I don't say a word. I simply watch him as he watches me.

"Are you still cold?"  
He asks as I shake my head 'no' I wasn't cold anymore, suddenly the rage inside of me kept me warm. I feel my breathing hitch in my throat as he moves in a bit closer. What we he up to?

"James?"

I ask glancing up at him as he nods, not responding to my voice verbally.

"Are you okay?"

I ask as he nods.

"I'm going to start a fire. If you need to rest, the couches would be the best option."

He says it looking at me in unspoken content. I don't know why he suddenly seemed to be in a good mood, but I didn't bother to ask him. If he was in a good mood I wasn't going to push it. He moves from me, making his way to the fireplace. I have no idea how he intends to start a fire, but I'll let him worry about that. Once he is no longer near me I glance about my surroundings once more. I take a few steps forward moving over to the table where our bags are. I don't touch anything, I simply study everything around me. When I reach the table I look at the wall across from me, and feel the chills I felt outside return, but this time they were there for another reason. I ignore the fact that I'm not alone, and instead walk forward. On the wall in front of me, there is a picture hanging, but there are words behind the picture, and written in barely there cursive is a name...

Mine.


	10. Chapter 10

I stare at my name, my right hand shaking as I place it against the wall, my index finger tracing over the cursive.

'Emilia Pierce. 1989.'

1989 was the year I was born, my 25th birthday was only a month ago... but how did my name end up on the wall of an ex hydra lab? And more importantly why? I move my left hand to cover my mouth as I look at it in shock. I felt sick...

"James..."

I whisper unable to move my eyes from the name on the wall.

"... You might want to come and see this."

He's silent as he makes his way across the room, the only reason I know he's near is because his right arm brushes my left as he stands next to me. I don't look at him, I don't want to. My eyes can't leave my name.

"Why is my name on this wall?"

I ask feeling a bit hysteric. He doesn't respond verbally, he instead moves his body to stand in front of the wall that holds my name. I think he knows that's the only way I can regain focus.

"I told you, you're the key to finding out Hyrda's newest secrets."

I shake my head 'no'.

"How? How am I the key?"

I ask as he looks away.

"You're father was at the top of the ladder because of his ranking in S.H.E.I.L.D, he was the ringleader, that makes you the most important piece of the game. I'm assuming the rest of the Hydra outlets were waiting on his word, word that he never had the chance to give. All the files are related to him, that's where you come into play."

I feel horrified when he tells me this... horrified that my ties to my father were more important than I thought. When James had contacted me I was told that I was needed because I would know my father's passwords, but my name was written on a wall of a Hydra facility... This was way bigger than I'd thought.

"Oh my god..."

I whisper breathlessly.

"... This is all one big mess."

I want it all to end. I want to close my eyes and be normal again. I want my mom back, and my life back. Two months ago my biggest concern was what my hair was going to look like, and now I was apart of helping a man who'd been to hell and back.

"You're very important Emilia."

He whispers studying me. I close my eyes for the first time since I started helping him I wished I could be alone. I wanted to cry and mentally curse my father for doing this, for helping with this evil. It was all too much... my mother dying, my ex boyfriend being a member of Hydra, and now I was some sort of 'key' to it all. I want to scream, but I can't. I can't show any more weakness in front of him, but I know he sees through me. He pulls me in, but the second he touches me any feeling I was trying to hold in seems to boil over. I sob despite my not wanting to. His arms wrapped around me tightly as I cried. My head burying into his chest, after only a week of helping him I'd finally managed to really break down. Sure I'd had moments of weakness and slight tears, but full blown sobbing, well this was something new.

"I'm sorry James."

I whimper as I look up at him. I felt selfish for crying, I am here to help him, not for me to make this all about me. He looks down at me, his hair hanging in his face as his eyes watch me silently.

"Don't say you're sorry..."

He pauses, thinking of what to say next.

"... Hydra's fucked up your life too."

I rest my hands against his chest as he continues to hold me. One week of being around him and I'd felt like I knew him my whole life. He understood me better than anyone ever has.

"Is this what I'm destined to be? Alexander Pierce's daughter and nothing more? A link to the horrors of this place?"

My father made my life hell when he was alive, but now that he's dead he's still managed to drive me crazy. It was like he was haunting me. My lips tremble and the urge to cry is once again apparent, but James stops me when his hands end up cupping my face. The metal of his left hand causing chills to move up my spine as he touches me.

"You are more than that..."  
He whispers, our gazes locking.

"... Over the last week you've made me feel human again. That means something to me."

I feel the wind get knocked out of me when he tells me this... had I helped him? I breathe a deep sigh.

"But you said it yourself, you only need me alive for revenge. All I am to you is Alexander Pierces' daughter, a trigger waiting to be pulled before you get your vengeance."

His eyes narrow at my words, his gaze darkening. He draws me in closer to him, my body fully up against his.

"You're right. I need you for vengeance..."  
He pauses moving in closer, his face inches from mine.

"... And the best form of vengeance would be getting my life back. Being everything your dear old dad didn't want me to be. He wanted me to take orders, and do whatever he said, well I'm not going to. I'm going to do what I want to do, and live."

I feel frozen in fear when he says this. What was he going to do? My eyes move from his staring at his chest.

"How do you intend to do that?"

He sighs before guiding me to look up at him once more.

"By doing the very thing I've wanted to do since the night you laid next to me, and soothed my nightmare..."

He pauses leaning in, his lips brush against mine, my eyes fluttering shut at the contact. He kisses my lips tenderly and I kiss him back. I've never been kissed like this... he is soft and gentle, everything I wouldn't expect from a man who's lived through the things he has. He breaks the kiss and studies me.

"... You're more than a piece in a game Emilia. I know you're scared, but you can do this. You are brave, and you've been very brave to help me despite everything that has happened. I can't thank you enough, but this journey is one that will be full of twists and turns. You told me to trust you in the car and I will, but you need to trust me too. Understand?"

I nod unable to formulate words after the kiss we shared. He nods back before pulling away from me, making my name visible on the wall. But this time when I look at it I'm not scared. Instead I'm intrigued.

"Will this place have the answers?"

I ask him as he walks from me, his body moving around mine. He kissed me...How was a man who seemed cold and detached one moment capable of showing emotion like this in mere seconds? I take a deep breathe trying to clear my mind. For the last 70 years he'd been frozen on and off, his brain wiped over and over again, but before then he was a man. A regular man who had a life, that didn't just fade because of Hydra. He was capable of feeling human again, but I didn't think it would happen so quickly... Earlier he almost killed a man because he'd seen too much, and now he kissed me. I run my fingers over my lips still in shock that he'd done that. He was feeling again, he wasn't allowing hydra's experiments to make him a machine, but it was coming in waves,slowly but surely he was becoming a version of himself again. He was capable of doing evil things, but he was also capable of doing great things... I just hoped that I helped him remember how to do more good than bad. I'm so zoned out in my own thoughts that I didn't even realize that he'd been speaking to me.

"Emilia? Are you alright?"

He asks from behind me as I shake my inner thoughts away. I turn to face him, seeing that he'd started a fire in the old fireplace.

"Yes... yes I'm fine. Sorry I just spaced out for a moment there."

I whisper looking at him. His eyes trail up and down my body, but not in a sensual way. He looks concerned.

"Are you tired? Do you need to lay down?"

He asks, his brow furrowing before he takes a step forward. I shake my head folding my arms across my chest, suddenly I feel very overwhelmed by his presence, and I can't forget the feeling of his lips on mine.

"I'm fine. I just am trying to process it all..."

I pause looking at his face and the fear on his face.

"...I promise I'm okay though. No need to worry about me."

He nods giving me a small smile.

"I had a dream the other night about Steve... You know captain America... and I remembered how much I used to worry about him. I'd always have to defend him, before he had the serum used on him. I felt like I had to watch out for my brother... He can take care of himself now... and you're the only one I have to worry about now. Everyone else is dead... Everyone I remember anyway."

I want to hug him when he finishes speaking. Because I know that he's sad, and that he's mourning the old life he had, well what he remembered of that life. I breathe a deep sigh, taking a few steps forward. I stop in front of him and without speaking reach my arms around him. He doesn't hug me back at first, he just stands there awkwardly before he hugs me back.

"I'm sorry... about everything that's happened to you. You didn't deserve this, you deserved better."

He rests his chin against my head as he holds me.

"Don't worry about me, by the time I'm finished with them I'll have them all on the ropes. Just you wait and see."

Hours pass, and we sit in silence. I feel numb as I stare at the fire he'd made. He sits on the couch across from me, eyes deep in thought. I feel anxious in this small place, everything in me telling me to get out, but I couldn't do that. No, I had a job to do. I lay back on the couch resting my head on the dusty pillow, I could still feel his lips on mine... It was like he was an apparition, not real, but enough to make me feel like something was there. I try to close my eyes, but when I do all I see are bullets... bullets hitting my mother over and over again, suddenly I wished for him to drug me again. At least when he did that I slept without nightmares. I whimper at the pain I felt as I recalled her murder six days ago... I open my eyes deciding that I needed to move, I couldn't sit still anymore... the anxiety I felt here was too much. I stand up from the couch moving back over the wall where my name is. I stare at it blankly feeling frustrated... I hated my father my whole life, but now I really hated him. He was the reason for all of this pain... this hatred... My hands ball into fists just thinking about it. I am only human, but I wasn't sure how much more I could take. How many more lies I would have to face? How many more nightmares will I be forced to have? I stare at the wall before feeling the rage surge through me... My father did this... My father ruined everything. I feel my breathing grow more uneasy as I think about him, my balled fists shaking.

'My father led to my mother's death.'

I think to myself as tears reach my eyes and my right fist reaches the wall where my name is. I hit it as hard as I can, not caring if it hurt, because to be honest everything hurt. My mind, my soul, my heart... what difference would it make if my body hurt as well? I hit the wall again, and again, but when I try to a third time he stops me. James' hand around my wrist.

"That's enough."

He whispers. I look over at him and sigh, I no longer feel the urge to cry. It's like the second our eyes meet I forget everything. He looks like he wants to say something, but he doesn't. He instead looks at the wall I've hit. The tile where my name is, is indented, looking like a button that has been pushed. His brow furrows as a clicking noise sounds throughout the room. The sound is coming from where the fireplace is, and when we both look to see what is happening the fire goes out. Behind the fire, a door seems to reveal itself. Curiosity flickers through me, but when I attempt to move from James, he stops me.

"I'm going to go first, you follow me."

He states as he lets go of my wrist and allows me to follow him. I am as silent as he is, his feet seem to thud lightly against the ground as he walks. He's on edge, and I can tell he is... his posture is a bit straighter, his movements more calculating. Once we reach the fire I look around him to study the door that was hidden. The door looks out of place, and while I know it was hidden for a reason, it looked like something from the 21st century, not from the 20th. It looked like the kind of design Tony Stark would come up with. I go to move forward, but once again he stops me.

"What are you doing?"

He asks glaring back at me as though I'm being stupid. I don't know why I wanted to touch the door, but I felt like I needed to. It was my name etched in the wall, and my fist was what even reveled this hidden door. He steps through the ash reaching for the door, his body hunched slightly, but when his hand moves to the barely there knob, it doesn't open. He tries with all of his strength, but it doesn't budge. He pulls back, frustration on his face. I put my hands on him gently guiding him to the side.

"Let me try."

I whisper. He'd told me that I was the key to everything... and maybe that's why it wouldn't open for him... He moves a little to the side, but his body is still kind of guarding mine like a shield ready for anything to attack. I breathe a deep sigh as my torso brushes against his back. I move my hand to the door knob, my fingertips lightly grazing over the cold metal. I don't even turn the knob, the pads of my fingertips seem to open the door without even trying to open it. The door makes a hissing sound before it clicks open.

"How did you do that?"

He asks in shock, shock that for once his muscles didn't do what he wanted them to. I look at him, feeling nerves flourish through me.

"You told me that I was the key... maybe that's why it wouldn't open for you."

I move my hands to the edge of the door opening it slowly. Dust floats all around me when I do this, I try and ignore it while I step inside. The second my foot touches the ground lights come on. The room lights up and I feel shock move through me. The room is spotless with bright tiled floors, there's a bed, another fireplace, a kitchen, and a bathroom. It looked like a brand new tiny apartment, my eyes scan the room and when they reach the table in the kitchen I see a note. I breathe a deep sigh as I walk forward, and don't stop until I reach the note and read it. It is addressed to me, and it is my father's handwriting.

'Dearest Emilia,

I know you'll come here if anything should happen to me. I know that it's a lot to take in, but you can do it. I have prepared you for everything that life will throw at you. This place is for you, my only hope is you do what's best for not only you, but for the people you are now responsible for. I leave everything to you my darling daughter. Be smart and learn from your older sisters mistakes.

-Daddy'

My eyes widen at the mention of my older sister... I haven't spoken to her since I was 18... she was born when my father was young, and was the baby he had with his first marriage. My father was young when she was born, which gave my sister and I quite the age gap. She was 20 when I was born, and I haven't spoken to her in seven years... what mistakes had she made? I didn't know. I don't even know what to feel. I simply glance over my shoulder, my eyes meeting his.

"My dad left this place to me..."

I state as he walks forward.

"... He told me I'm responsible for people James... what does he mean? Do you know?"

I sound like I'm desperate when I say this. He simply looks down at me, eyes cold and detached.

"I think he means that you're one of the new members of Hydra."

I feel my heart skip a beat when he says this... Member? I was a member of an organization without any choice? I sigh handing him the note, he looks a bit shocked that I'm willing to let him read my father's note, but I don't care if he sees it I have nothing to hide.

"Go on read it. I'm an open book..."

I pause giving him a small smile.

"... I trust you."

He takes the note from me, and I walk around him studying the room once more. The bed on the other side of the room has the same bed spread I'd picked out when I moved from home... and on the bed is a laptop, brand new in a box. The room would've been pretty if it wasn't designed by my father. I look at the open door that leads to the bathroom and sigh... right about now a shower would be the best thing to clear my thoughts.

"Bright side the bed in here looks comfier than the couch."

I state trying to make the most of the situation. I sit down at the foot of the bed watching him as he puts the note back down on the table.

"I'll bring you your things. You can stay in here... I'll keep watch in the other room."

He goes to turn away, but I don't want him to go... I don't want to be alone in this place, even if he's just on the other side of the door. I stand up watching him leave, but before he has the chance to even cross the threshold, my voice makes him freeze. I whimper, my voice desperate once more.

"Please don't leave... Please don't leave me alone. I know I sound pathetic right now, but I don't want to be alone in this place. It reeks of my father, and I need someone to just be here. You can sleep in my bed, and use the shower.. just don't leave me alone."

He blinks a few times, his eyes moving from mine to the floor. He looks like he is deeply pondering my words, I just hoped he would stay.

"You don't have to if you don't want to."  
I breathe lifelessly when he doesn't respond. I feel embarrassed because of how weak I sounded, especially when it was in front of him.

"Are you sure you want me to stay with you?"

He asks cautiously. I nod helplessly.

"Yes."

He sighs looking around the room as if he's as uncomfortable in here as I am.

"I could hurt you if... If I fall asleep and have nightmares... I could hurt you. I could kill you Emilia."

I shake my head in protest. I knew that it was possible, any person living with post traumatic stress disorder could have a moment, but that didn't mean I wanted him to leave... I needed to be there for him.

"You won't... I know you won't... Bucky I trust you."

His slight smile pulls into a tight almost bitter look of discomfort. He doesn't know what to do with that statement, sure I'd told him I trusted him, but now my words seemed to have meaning. His eyes narrow ever so slightly and I can tell that he wants to stay, but he's afraid that somehow all hell will break loose if he does. His eyes lock with mine before he whispers, with a trace of sadness in his eyes before he whispers.

"You might regret that."


	11. Chapter 11

After a shower, and many passing hours, I end up laying on my bed staring at the ceiling blankly. I move my fingers over my lips where I can feel where he'd kissed me only hours ago... It was almost haunting how his lips taunted mine... Thinking of him, I dare to glance over at James who sits at the kitchen table, his eyes scanning over the note my father left. I don't know what he hopes to accomplish by reading it over and over again, but I was going to let him do it. I didn't want to disturb him. He looks uncomfortable with his surroundings, like he doesn't want to touch something my father helped create... He rests both of his elbows on the table top, his metal hand toying with a knife as he reads the note over and over again. He flips the small knife perfectly catching it and toying with it in a rhythm that only he could posses. I don't want to seem like a creep by watching him, so I look away, and instead stare back at the ceiling. I am lounging on the bed in black sweat pants, and I wear a white tank top. My long brown hair is still wet, damping the comforter underneath me as I lay there. It felt good to be in new clothes, and for the first time in days I felt clean.

"James?..."

I ask him turning over on my stomach resting my head in my hands. He immediately stops playing with the knife, as his eyes move to mine slowly.

"... Thank you for staying with me."

He stares at me blankly before nodding. He licks his lips before looking back down at the note.

"не стоит благодарности".

He whispers this more to himself than to me. I am confused as to what he's just said... it sounded Russian...

"I'm sorry... what did you say?"

I ask him this in honest confusion as he looks up at me once more.

"I said 'don't mention it'... I'm sorry I didn't realize that I wasn't speaking English."

I sit up my back to him as I stare at the wall in front of me, my headboard pressed up against the white walls. I feel his eyes on me even though I can't see him or his gaze. He sighs.

"Sometimes I forget where I am..."

He whispers as I glance over my shoulder my eyes meeting his before he continues.

"... I guess it's hard to break old habits, when that's all I remember."

I look away from him when he says this, a lump in my throat forming, I feel for him, and the pain he's had to go through. I know there's nothing I can say to make it better, and that I can't erase his inner turmoil. He sighs after a few minutes of silence.

"Your father left you a computer. Do you think you could turn it on? I need to see something."

He says it like its a command, so I decide to do as he's asked. I look to where my pillows lay and study the box that holds the computer my father left for me. I inch forward moving my fingers to the cardboard box it's in, it's brand new with the price tag still on it. I ignore the price as I open the box, my fingers pulling the laptop from the contents of the box to the comforter of my bed. I sigh making sure that all the packaging stays in the box before I open the laptop and put my pointer finger on the power key.

"It will take a second to start up and then I can help you."

I whisper this as the laptop screen lights up and I patiently wait for it to turn on. I study the box that the computer came in, and when I do something catches my eye... in the box amongst the packaging meant to keep the computer safe is a silver pendent. I reach my hand inside, my fingertips touching the cold metal of the pendant. I pull it out drawing it closer to my face, so I can study it. On it there are numbers.

"48491992"

Are the numbers that I read. My brow furrows in confusion as I turn the pendant over, but when I do I feel my stomach turn. Just like the wall in the other room, there is a name on it. My name shines back at me through the engraving of the silver. I feel the sickness I felt when I read my name on the wall... I go to ask him about the necklace and the numbers on it, but my computer interrupts me.

"Scanning room..."

A computerized voice states.

"...Two Hydra members present."

Two Hydra members? Present? But it's just him and I. I can feel my eyes widen in fear as I look over my shoulder once more. I knew that he'd worked for them, but did that make him a full blown member?

I feel panic, but James looks very content... he blinks a few times as he watches me. I can tell that he knows something... something I don't.

"James?"

I ask as the computer speaks once more.

"Accessing files for Emilia, M Pierce."

I look at the computer confused... it knew my name? How? I look at the power button and see my a fingerprint over the power key... that wasn't there when I opened the computer, was it? My computer, like this room, worked based on my fingerprints...

"Access granted."

The voice states as the computer immediately brings up file upon file of information that I don't recognize. I look closely at the date of the information and feel my blood run cold... the file dates were from two days ago... 5/3/14... Another thing catches my eye when I read the files. They're not only about James, but about me as well.

"What the hell is happening?"

I ask mainly to myself, as I feel the nerves hit a whole new high. I get off the bed, turning to face him.

"James... do you know is happening? What did the computer mean when it said that there were two Hydra members present?"

I whisper with my hands folded across my chest. He breathes a deep silent breath as he watches me, suddenly it felt like we were two strangers again... Suddenly I felt the fear I had on the night we first met.

"I found a necklace in the box with my name on it, and a series of numbers... I don't know what it all means."

He nods watching me panic. His face is stoic, and his jaw clenches, there is pity in his eyes...

"I told you before. There are things that you've seen, you just don't remember."

I move my gaze from his looking at the ground.

"You know something."

I state simply, knowing that I am right. He knows something he's just not telling me. He was a brainwashed Hydra member. He'd spent 70 years being frozen on and off, but what if there was more to him than that? Sure he was Bucky Barnes, former hero and helper to Captain America, but that was years ago. He told me he wanted my help to take down Hydra, and to help him regain his memories, but what if he wasn't as innocent as I thought. He'd done awful things, and while I knew it wasn't his fault, and that he was a victim, he still did terrible things. And terrible things didn't just die because a man wanted to be better... no he was right old habits are hard to break when that's all you know.

"You... You're a member of Hydra."

He nods.

"Technically yes, I mean I was their soldier for over 70 years."

He says it grimly, but I knew there was more to it than that.

"No, the files on my computer were dated 5/3/2014 that means that these are updated files. And the files are about you and I. Now I know you know something, they've ingrained their ways into your head, you have to know what is happening."

I say this hoping he'll tell me. He sighs once more.

"Cut off one head, two more shall grow in its place."

He whispers as he stands up from the chair he's sitting at. He walks around the table taking his time as he moves to me, I want to put more distance between us, but I find that I can't move, I am frozen in fear. He stops in front of me, inches away.

"You're father was one head, and here we are now, the two expected to take his place."

I look up at him unsure of what to feel.

"No... No that can't be true. Why would Hydra want me to help?"

I ask as he stares down at me blankly.

"Because Emilia... You don't remember everything."

I close my eyes turning my face from him.

"Is that what you're up to? Taking me to them? Bucky you don't need to do this, you are a good man... I know you are. You're not the monster they made you."

My eyes are still closed after I say this, I don't want to look at him. I feel betrayed, and it hurts. He is the only person I thought I could trust, but I was wrong. I freeze when I feel the warmth of his right hand on my face. I open my eyes as he guides me to look at him.

"I want to take down Hydra, and the best way to do that is by pretending that I'm working for them."

I feel my eyes brim with tears as I look at him.

"Why didn't you just tell me everything in the beginning... I thought I could trust you. You've lied to me... You kissed me... Why?"

He sighs.

"Because I couldn't risk you remembering everything. If you remember everything you could risk it all."

My brow furrows, before I look him up and down in confusion.

"Tell me what I should remember."

I whimper as he moves in a bit closer, his thumb brushing against my cheekbone.

"You're asking a man with amnesia to help you remember... that might be a bit harder than you think."

I feel chills when he speaks, there is a softness in his voice that makes it a bit harder for me to be angry with him. I feel my stance falter slightly, and maybe that's what he wanted, me to be completely and emotionally distraught.

"What I'm asking is for you to tell me the truth. What is going on?"

He pulls me in a bit closer, but the anger on my face doesn't flee.

"You should read the files they'll tell you more than I ever could."

I place my hand over his as he continues to stroke the skin of my face.

"I trusted you to do what was right. But I was wrong. How can I be sure you're telling the truth now? How do I know you aren't just saying nice things in hopes that I'll continue playing along the way I have been? You were a man of honor, you were a Sargent back in the day, and here you are now. Working for Hydra, you don't want to be there puppet yet you play their games."

His gaze grows a bit cold and detached when I say this, his metal arm pulling me in until my body is pressed to his.

"Your one to talk, sweet heart you're one of biggest puppets in this game. Just wait until you find out all of the stings they pulled on you. You think your angry now, just wait until you find out the truth."

My breathing hitches in my throat at the contact of our bodies.

"Please tell me James."

I mumble as a bitter smile flickers to his lips.

"You're just as much of a member of Hydra as I am. You just don't remember..."

He whispers, his lips moving in ever so slightly.

"... You and I, well we've done some awful things in the past. But your father did what he's done to me, made you forget it all."

I freeze as his lips barely brush against mine, my stomach clenching in nerves at how close he is.

"How do you know that? My father wiped your brain the day before he was killed, and S.H.I.E.L.D was taken down. You wouldn't know that if he made you forget."

He nods, ever so slightly as he watches me, his mouth still inches from mine.

"You see whenever they wiped my brain they'd keep certain pieces in place. They chose what I remembered. How else could I fight like a highly trained assassin if I truly forgot it all? They froze me on and off for years, and made me forget who I was, but they didn't take away the faces of the people they wanted me to remember... and your face, I've remembered for the last seven years."

I look at him wide eyed not knowing what to say. What could I say? He'd just informed me that he knew my face from years ago, and that I was a member of Hydra. He'd told me I lost my memories just as he had, but why? After a few seconds of unbroken eye contact, something changes. His eyes hold sadness, he's spent so long being someone's puppet that he didn't know what to do. Should I be angry that he didn't tell me his plan? Yes, but did that mean I had to take it out on him? No... I didn't want to, because all he knows is torment. All he knows is orders, and pain. I wasn't angry at him... I was disappointed. Disappointed because I knew that I'd been true, and while I may be suffering from the same brain wipe he is, that didn't change the fact that I was completely real with him. I move my hand over his as tears moves to his eyes. He is broken... and it breaks my heart. Tears enter my eyes as I watch him helplessly, knowing that I can't fix the trauma he's gone through. He'd have to live with it for the rest of his life.

"My face... that must've been awful."

I whisper as he shakes his head in slight protest, his movement barely visible.

"You and I have history, they made you forget, but they made sure I remembered..."

He pauses to make sure I'm listening.

"... I know I should've told you that I'm apart of Hydra, and that it was wrong. But nothing has changed. I will take down Hydra, my only hope is you don't change your mind when you remember who you really are."

I nod.

"I just don't know how that could be possible... I've been in collage over the last few years. I was never apart of anything... how could they make me forget everything? How?"

He sighs, his eyes trailing down my body for a moment before returning to my face.

"It's strange isn't it? How a person can take away someones memories in mere seconds. Memories are something that we all strive to make, but then there's us... we had no choice. They took that from us. Hydra made us into objects that they could use."

I nod once more as he leans in... he's so close that for a moment I think he's going to kiss me, but he doesn't.

"No matter what I remember... I won't let them do that to us again. No one deserves to be treated like an object."

I feel my breathing hitch in my throat when he presses his lips to my forehead. He mumbles quietly against my skin;

"Because we're human right?"

I hum in agreement as I look at his chest, suddenly us being so close feels overwhelming... I want him to kiss me again. I want to feel his lips on mine.

"Yes... Because we deserve to take our lives back. We deserve to live."

I look up into his eyes when he finally pulls back to look at me, I can see desire in his eyes. He almost looks like he wants my permission to touch me. I simply nod because I can't find the right words to say. I hold his hand, as it continues to cup my face, his eyes watching me as though he's torn. He sighs leaning in to press his lips to mine. His hand moves from my face, and instead draws my body in even closer. My chest goes against his, and we breathe in unison. He moves his lips to my neck and my eyes flutter closed, he might've forgotten a lot, but he seemed to know more than I expected. His lips seem to move with expertise along the skin of my neck. His hands move from the small in my back to my hair, entwining in the strands. I didn't know what it was about him, but I wanted more... I wanted to have all of him. And while this was the only time I could remember that we'd been this heated, it felt like this wasn't the first time. It felt like an episode of deja vu, he felt familiar in all the right ways.

"James."

I moan his name breathlessly as I my hands move his chest, and his lips move from my neck. He looks at me, his chest rising and falling rapidly. His lips are swollen, and the desire in his eyes is still burns.

"Emilia."

He says my name back to me in a low, hungry growl. I watch him as he studies me... I had made him feel human... But he had made me feel like I was alive again. Over the last few months my life had felt like a pattern of boring days, and nights. But with him I felt alive and free... I wanted more. I reach forward placing my hands on his face as I smile up at him.

"Could you do me a favor?"

I ask, his hands moving to my lower back once more. He nods watching me contently.

"Yes Emilia, I could."

I feel the wind get knocked out of me when he says my name once more. His voice is rough and controlled its as though he's feeling more than he wants me to know.

"Help me remember..."

I whisper as I stand on my tip toes to kiss him. I wrap my arms around his shoulders while we kiss each other passionately.

"... Help me remember who I am... I'll help you if you help me."

I mumble against his lips as he chuckles slightly, pressing his forehead against mine.

"I will do whatever you need, and I will make it my mission to help you remember."


	12. Chapter 12

Hair clings to my neck as I sweat. I toss and turn unable to sleep. Unable to breathe... I feel like something is wrong with me, yet I feel fine. All I can hear is a drill... like the kind that a dentist uses. My body feels like it's on pins and needles, and my head hurts. I stare at the ceiling blankly. I've tried to sleep for the past three hours, but have had little to no luck doing so. I sit up in my bed and sigh before running my hands through my long brown hair.

"Can't sleep?"

I glance to my right seeing him stand in the doorway of the bathroom, his chest is completely bare and his hair damp from a shower. I shake my head 'no' and give him a barely there smile as my eyes scan his body. His torso is very defined, abs that could make anyone thirsty... I look away from him feeling a bit too frazzled by his presence.

"No... All I can think about is how my brain got wiped and now I don't remember anything except for a series of lies created by my father."

Being the daughter of Alexander Pierce was turning out to be more than I could handle, and I was starting to wonder if I could ever forgive my father for all he had done while he was alive. James' eyes scan me before he takes a step forward. I study him as he moves to me,the only piece of clothing he is wearing is a pair of black sweat pants, and his damp hair is pulled back into a small ponytail. He sits in front of me on the bed eyes unsure.

"I wish I could ease your worries, but I have no idea how to."

He looks helpless... He wants to make me feel better, but doesn't know how to.

"When they wiped your brain could you hear the sound of a drill? Because I can hear that sound... when it's quiet that's all I can hear."

I whimper as the memory of the sound makes my stomach turn. I don't know what is happening to me... I just hoped he somehow knew a way to stop it. I close my eyes feeling a bit dizzy all of a sudden.

"Emilia. When they wipe our brains they can't erase everything. Our minds aren't meant to be erased and reprogrammed. The sounds you are hearing are from your memories... I get them sometimes too. Sometimes when the world is quiet all I can hear is the sound of bullets. It haunts me."

He states this without emotion, his face staring blankly at me as I watch him. I want to lean forward and comfort him, but I don't know if I can.

"Was I a good person? Before they wiped my memories?"

He continues to stare at me blankly before he licks his lips.

"No. You were cruel. You were ruthless... you could kill in ways that no other member of Hydra could. You specialized in torture, you always knew how to get people to talk."

My brow furrows and instantly I feel sad... I had hurt people? I had killed people? Up until this morning I was under the impression that I was a 25 year old college graduate who was working hard to pay off loans, but now I was told that all of that was a lie. I close my eyes feeling conflicted. I wanted to know more about who I was, but I didn't, not if I was awful. Bucky had been a good man who'd been turned into a monster... I was a monster who was brainwashed into thinking I was good. I look at him as a new found thought enters my brain. He knew me from before, he knew of the evil I'd done, but had I done anything to him?

"Did I ever hurt you?"

I ask as he looks at me cautiously before nodding.

"Yes. I don't remember the details, but you did a number on me that's for sure."

When he says this I look away. My hands cover my mouth and sadness becomes too much for me to handle. I stare at the bed sheets with tears in my eyes, but I don't cry. He reaches for me guiding my back to the bed sheets behind me, he studies me as his body straddles mine.

"Don't you beat yourself up over it. Your father had you trained to be that way. You were simply following orders."

I stare up at him and shake my head in protest.

"I hurt you."

I mumble as he nods leaning his head down, lips on mine. My eyes flutter closed as my hands find his damp hair.

"And I hurt you... who do you think gave you that bullet wound? It wasn't your father, well not entirely."

He states this against my lips in a low growl. My fingers cause his hair to fall out of the ponytail it was in.

"What led up to that? You shooting me, I mean."

I ask breathlessly as he moves his lips to my neck. He chuckles as his tongue darts out of the flesh of my neck, the second his tongue touches me chills go up my spine.

"You were assigned to me... Your father thought you could get me to talk, because no one else could. After months and months of us working together your once cruel demeanor turned a bit too kind for your father's taste. He told me to shoot you, and that if I didn't do it, he's make sure when he did it, it would end badly... He wanted me to show to you that I was nothing more than a Hydra toy, and that you weren't allowed to care for the machine."

I look up at him, my eyes studying his. Hearing him say this only made me hate my father more...

"Why... Why would he do that? Just because I was a bit nicer?"

His eyes move from mine, and instead move down my body a small flicker of desire entering his eyes.

"Because we'd crossed a line... We didn't play by their rules."

I feel my breathing hitch when he says this, his lips inches from mine.

"What line did we cross?"

He presses his lips to mine, kissing me slowly as if he's teasing me...

"We slept together..."

He mumbles against my lips before he kisses me once more.

"... And when daddy Alexander Pierce found out he was livid."

My eyes widen when he tells me this... We'd slept together? Is that why whenever he kissed me it felt like deja vu? He draws his body in closer.

"He wanted to prove to the both of us that Hydra came first... And then he wiped your brain, making you believe you were a normal college kid who just had daddy issues. And while you got to leave and live he made me remember you and everything that happened between us. He wanted me to know how quickly he could take away the things I cared about."

Hearing the sadness in his voice made me sick. He cared about someone only to loose them... My heart breaks for him. Breathing a deep breath I lean forward and press my lips to his.

"Thank you for telling me all of this."

I mumble as he looks down at me, chuckling once more.

"I told you I'd help you remember things."

I smile up at him when his lips leave mine.

"Are you a man of your word?"

I ask him as he moves his body from mine, sitting next to me on the bed.

"I don't know about the new me, but the old me was... I think. It seems like something I would've wanted to do."

I sit up in the bed feeling lonely without his body straddling mine. It was cold, yet the sweat from my nightmare still haunted me.

"I think the old you is still in there Bucky... a man that's good doesn't just die because we Hydra members seem to kill anything that's human."

He shakes his head in protest as he reaches for me, his hands cupping my face. Looking at him I could only feel guilt. What exactly had I done to him? Would I ever remember? A part of me wanted to, because it would be nice to fill in the gaps, but I liked who I was now. I liked being someone no one feared.

"You made me human, and that's why your father hated me. You weren't like the rest of them even though they tried their hardest to make you like them. You were different than the rest."

I place my hands over his studying him.

"How many people died at my hands?"

I ask him this hoping he knows and that he'll tell me... I need to know. He sighs.

"Don't do that to yourself... You were trained to kill. You didn't know any better..."

He pauses when he sees the desperation in my eyes. The desperation I had to know the truth.

"...You killed 5 people. Like I said you specialized in torture in order to get information, usually you left the killing to Brock."

I breathe a deep breath.

"Brock? Were him and I real? Or was that all part of the brain wipe?"

His jaw clenches as his eyes dart from mine. Suddenly there's a bit of anger in his eyes.

"Yes. You and him... that was real. When you were first assigned to me you both were together, but after your father became interested in him as an undercover S.H.E.I.L.D agent you two broke up."

When he's finished speaking he looks angry. I can tell there's more to it than he's telling me.

"James. Whatever I did... I'm sorry."

His eyes move to mine, and he nods.

"It's strange. Ever since I found you... you've been different. When I first met you, you were cruel. You loved to inflict pain on me, and you didn't care. Even after we became close you never lost that occasional cruel look your eyes would sometimes get. But now... now your considering, and loving. You care deeply about people, even people you don't know... you're a completely different person."

I look at him wide eyed. I move his hands from my face and instead pull him in.

"Hey... I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I did. I wish I didn't, and I know that I was raised to be like that, and that I had no idea that what I was doing was wrong, but I will fix it..."

I whisper this before leaning in to press my lips to his. He wastes no time pulling me forward. My body straddling his lap as he holds me.

"... I'll fix it James.. I won't ever hurt you again. I won't be one of them ever again. I don't want to be a monster."

He holds me, face inches away from mine after our kiss.

"I'm a monster too... the things we've done... We're not perfect."

I nod as he pulls me in and kisses me once more. His hands move from my face, and instead move to my waist drawing my body to his. I moan when his lips move to my neck, his mouth marking me as his own like he'd done earlier.

"Maybe that's why we liked each other... Because we're both manipulated pieces in a big puzzle."

He chuckles as he moves his hands to the tank top I'm wearing, his hands lift the tank top ever so slightly his hands grazing over the skin of my torso. He looks at me as he lifts the tank top up a bit more. He seems to be asking for permission, permission that I am willing to grant. I nod as he lifts the shirt up over my head, his eyes drift down my body with intent. He seems more than happy with the lacy bra he'd bought me days ago.

"I missed this."

He groans before placing his lips to mine once more. I move my hands to his chest feeling the muscles underneath the pads of my fingertips. He guides me back in the bed our bodies in the same position they'd been in minutes ago. My hands across his chest a bit until I reach where his skin ends and the metal of his left arm starts. The second I touch his skin his lips move from mine, he freezes looking down at me. I watch him as traces of tears move to his eyes, he seems to remember the pain...

"Bucky we all have scars, just some of them are bigger than others."

I whisper as he licks his lips.

"It's more than a scar... it's a constant reminder that I'm never going to be normal again. I'll always be the product of a sick Hydra scientist."

I run my hand over the metal of the arm, the palm of my hand resting over the star.

"I believe you're more than that... I believe your a good man who can take this experience and make it into something beautiful. You aren't a bad man Bucky Barnes... and as far as being normal... normal is over rated."

He gives me a small smile before kissing me once more. My hands move to his back my fingers trailing the muscles in his back. He seems hungry in his touches his hands moving from my torso, to the hem of my sweatpants as he kisses me. His lips move down my neck not stopping until he reaches the area above my heart. He kisses me tenderly as more chills move up my spine.

"I've missed you..."

He groans as my hands rake down his back.

"... I've missed you so much."

His moves the sweatpants down a bit until they're past my knees. I look at him while he does this, noting the concentration on his face. It's like he's afraid his touch could hurt me.

"James..."

I whimper breathlessly, knowing that the more he touches me the more I want him... It was unbearable how badly I wanted him.

"... I trust you."

I state simply as he pulls both the sweatpants and my underwear off, the fabric gliding down my skin slowly before he throws them to the ground.

"I could hurt you..."

He mumbles with his mouth inches from mine, his eyes filling with a new level of desire.

"...I could hurt that pretty little face of yours if I wanted to."

I nod knowing that he was absolutely right... he could hurt me. But I wanted this, and I think he did too... By the way his breathing changes when are bodies get closer, I could tell he wanted this.

"You could, but I know you won't."

His metal arm rests on one side of my head as he props himself up. His right hand trails down my torso going lower and lower to where I need him most... He teases with expertise, and I feel like I'm going to burst, just because of his fingers...

"James."

I whimper his name in frustration as his fingers move from me, and a cruel grin flickers to his face.

"Emilia."

He growls this against my skin before lifting his head to look down at me. He knows that he's making me want him... He is very aware that I'm not thinking clearly with his every touch. He chuckles.

"I have you on the ropes don't I? Do you want more? Or should I stop?"

I glare up at him.

"Watch it smart mouth."

I moan as he gets up from the bed leaving me sexually frustrated. I glare over at him once more. His smile grows, I think he likes that he's the one doing the torturing for once. He moves his hands to his own sweatpants pulling them down. I stare at him unable to move my eyes as he rids his body of the few clothes he has left. My eyes drift lower which makes him smirk a bit before he returns to me.

"Do you still trust me?"

He asks his body descending upon mine. I nod looking at him.

"Yes I do... I trust you with my life."

He smiles leaning down pressing his lips to mine. He makes our bodies become one in a rhythm that I have never experienced... Every touch left me feeling like I was on fire... I wanted more, and after hours of him having me in the most intimate of ways I realized one thing... I realized that no matter where I'd come from, the person I am now is the person I want to be. I will help him take down Hydra, because we had more than lust in common... We both wanted revenge.


	13. Chapter 13

*** 7 years ago***  
"What is his name again?"  
I ask Brock as I lean against the glass that allows me to see the patient in the other room. He is cuffed to a metal chair, his two hands bound behind his back, one normal, and one metal. The room is a dull gray and water leaks from his one of the many pipes accompanying him in the room. Brock sighs from next to me frustrated that I'd asked him the name of the man for the fourth time.  
"Bucky Barnes. But you can't let him know that."  
I watch the man contently, his eyes darting around the room in confusion. He has no idea what's going on... his brain had only been wiped hours ago. He's surrounded by many guards, over a dozen, but it's not them he seems to be afraid of... it's himself. I sigh turning to face Brock.  
"And what do I do with him again? I thought my division dealt with getting people to talk, not rewiring soldiers for the Hydra clientele."  
He smiles down at me pulling me in, my body against his.  
"You're going to teach him how to fight. Your father thinks you'd be perfect for the job."  
I roll my eyes at the mention of my father.  
"Isn't that something he should already know? He's the winter soldier after all... He's famous for fighting and taking out people without leaving a trace."  
He nods, eyes focused on mine.  
"Yes, but your father figured you could teach him a few new tricks."  
My eyes narrow at this comment, and my dislike of the man I call father seems to peak.  
"Oh please Alexander Pierce is a foolish man, one who I can't believe is in charge here."  
He shrugs his shoulders before leaning down to press his lips to mine.  
"I know, but you need to do as he says. You get the winter soldier fixed up and I'll reward you later."  
He mumbles this against my lips before pulling away, his eyes giving me a good look over before smirking.  
"You better reward me later..."  
I whisper while my hands move over his shirt covered chest.  
"... I'll go play with the soldier, but only because you asked me to."  
He chuckles darkly, his lips descending on mine once more. It's a heated quick peck, but it's enough to make me feel lonely when he leaves, his body moving from mine.  
"Good girl."  
Is all he states before he turns from me. I watch him walk away, suddenly wishing I could go with him. My job wasn't to take brainwashed vegetables and fix them up, it was to get information out of unwilling participants. I don't know why daddy dearest thought this job would be the best for me, but I wasn't going to question him. Instead I take a few steps forward until I reach the door leading into the room that holds the soldier. I breathe a deep breath before turning the door knob and taking a step inside. The guards seem to stand a bit taller when they see me, which I find oddly amusing. These men were afraid of an 18 year old, but maybe it wasn't me they were afraid of... it was what they knew I could do... Or maybe it was because they knew who I was...  
"Leave."  
I state in a less than amused tone. I didn't need an audience, and certainly didn't need guards to help me with this man. I'd heard about Bucky Barnes. He had fought to protect this country from my organization, but now he was the face of it. Hydra was his home, and he wasn't ever going to leave. The guards all look at me as though I'm on something. As though I'm stupid for wanting to be one on one with the infamous soldier, but they were going to give me what I wanted whether they liked it or not. After a brief stare down they do as I asked all leaving as quick as they could. Once we are alone his cold, dead eyes stare up at me helplessly. His jaw tightly clenched as he watches me walk towards him. I reach for a chair that is lining the walls and sit it down in front of him. I give him a polite smile before I sit down in the chair.  
"How are you?"  
I ask him while I cross my legs and watch him in curiosity. Could it talk? Or did they take that ability from him as well? His eyes flicker to mine, but no words pass his lips.  
"Do you not know how to speak soldier? Do I need to teach you how to?"  
I ask as my eyes narrow, and my patience begins to run thin. He, once again, doesn't speak. I roll my eyes before standing up. I reach out to grab his face, my hand wrapping around his jaw. I force him to look up at me.  
"I asked you a question, now answer it."  
This time the dead expression in his eyes turns to hate. I smile as the anger flickers across his face, I'd hit a nerve... perfect.  
"Fine."  
He states through clenched teeth. My grin grows.  
"See was that so hard?"  
I move my hand from his jaw to his face, studying his features. He is a handsome man, with blue eyes that could make a girl want to do sinful things.  
"Aren't you pretty..."  
I state, moving my hand along his jaw line.  
"... A man like you should be out in the world, finding a nice person to settle down with... Too bad you can't have that."  
I rub my hand along the skin of his face soothingly before I lift it ever so slightly. After a second of not touching his face, I touch it again, but this time my touch is harsh. I slap him across the face hard enough to make his head snap to the side.  
"Next time I ask you a question, you answer it immediately. Do you understand?"  
I ask him as he nods.  
"Yes."  
He states. My smile returns.  
"Good boy."  
My voice is condescending, and I can tell it irritates him.  
"Now, my name is Emilia, and we are going to have so much fun together... "  
I pause as a look of protest enters his face. He wants to get out, but knows that he can't. He is bound to the chair and is all mine.  
"... It's going to be just you and I from now on."  
**** Now*****  
I wake up gasping for air. The room around me is spinning as I sit up trying to grasp what just happened. I'd had a dream... an awful dream... It felt so real, my hand still stung from the slap i had given him. The worst part was... I knew it wasn't a dream... it was a piece of my past. From before my father had wiped my brain and filled my head with lies. I feel tears, but don't make a sound. I hit him? I was awful... Suddenly me wanting to know about my past didn't seem like a good idea. I had no idea how long my dream was, but it was enough to make me sick. I had been the kind of person people hated... He hated me, and he had every right to. His body stirs from next to me, his completely bare body only being covered by the sheets of my bed. I sigh looking down at my own bare chest, I lay down and try to catch my breath but his voice makes me even more anxious.  
"Emilia?"  
James asks groggily, his metal arm reaching out to touch me.  
"Shh... it's fine I just had a bad dream."  
I whisper, moving my body to his under the blankets, his metal arm wraps around my waist. He kisses the side of my head as he holds my naked back, to his naked chest.  
"Whatever it was... It's over now and you are safe."  
He grumbles this in my ear. Hearing his voice did soothe me a bit, but when I close my eyes all I can see is me hitting him, and our cruel exchange.  
"I had a memory... It was the first time we met, and I-I-I hit you."  
I can feel him breathe a deep sigh from behind me.  
"Emilia, that was seven years ago, and you aren't that person anymore."  
I knew that, but remembering who I was only made the images that much newer and fresh in my mind.  
"I know... James it feels new, and I just don't know what to do."  
I look forward not knowing how I could fix it... The memory I had was just the beginning of many I'm sure. His arm tightens around me, his lips giving me another sweet kiss.  
"You can't change the past, you can only control what you do next. You need to remember that you aren't that person anymore."  
I run my hands along the metal of his arm, feeling the complex design of it.

"James?"  
I ask as our bodies breathe in unison.  
"Yes Emilia?"  
He sounds a bit amused when he responds, his lips inches from my ear.  
"Did I ever show you any kindness?"  
His lips move to my neck planting delicate kisses along my skin.  
"Yes. You weren't always bad Emilia. You had your good days."  
My eyes close when he kisses my neck once more.  
"Good... I never want to hurt you again."  
His metal hand pulls me in more, now there's no space between our bodies.  
"I trust you Emilia."  
I smile a bit when he says this. I can feel my cheeks redden a bit and a fluttering feeling happens in the pit of my stomach. I'd had this feeling before... but not in a long time. I felt a bit guilty, feeling so happy after everything that happened to my mother. I know that I should be focusing on the big picture... taking down Hydra was something we needed to do, but instead we were having sex in the basement of my super secret room that only I could access, it was a little 50 shades of gray, but I didn't mind. We couldn't take down an organization in one day, no we needed to work up to it. We needed to plan and be cautious in how we took down my father's pride and joy. Sure Hydra existed before my father was around, but he was in charge of the newest part, the part that had their hooks in S.H.E.I.L.D. I am do deep in thought that I don't realize he had asked me a question. I glance over my shoulder and give him a smile.

"I'm sorry... I was a bit zoned out. What did you say?"

I ask hoping I don't sound as rude as I feel. He grins.

"I just asked if you were hungry. We haven't really eaten since we showed up here, and if we want to keep up our strength we should."

I nod leaning back to kiss him on the lips.

"Okay, but last time you cooked me something you drugged me up, and I was knocked out for over 24 hours..."

I pause as his grin grows.

"...So this time don't do that to me, Okay?"

He nods giving me another kiss.

"I promise I won't drug you again."

His sweatpants hang low on him as he fixes us breakfast in my little kitchen. His dark brown hair is pulled back in a small ponytail as he focuses on the eggs he's making. I smile when he glances over his shoulder to look at me when I walk over to him. I am in a change of clothing, a simple pair of jeans and a white t-shirt, my long brown hair slightly curly from when his hands toyed with my hair last night... His eyes scan my body in content before he stops stirring. He leans down pressing his lips to my forehead.

"Do you feel any better?"

He asks in regards to the dream I had this morning, well the memory I had when I was sleeping. I shrug my shoulders.

"I feel a bit better. It was just scary..."

My voice drifts as I look at him.

"... What about you? Have you been having nightmares lately? Any memories?"

He shakes his head 'no'.

"Last night was the only night I actually got sleep. It was the first time in a while."

He looks a bit torn on whether or not it's a good thing that he actually got some well deserved sleep last night.

"That's Bucky... I'm sure you needed the rest."

I whisper looking up at him, but the slight discomfort in his eyes doesn't leave. He looks away finishing up with the eggs before he pulls the pan off the burner. I tuck some of my hair behind my ear unsure of what to say. I want to speak, but when I go to a sound interrupts me. My brow furrows as I look over my shoulder. The sound is my lap top... I turn to walk over to where my laptop is plugged into the wall, stopping when I reach it. I am unsure of if I should open it, but I do. I put my right index finger over the power button. It powers up and I sit down in front of it.

"Emilia Pierce."

The computerized voice states as it recognizes my fingerprint.

"Access to computer files?"

It asks me as I look at it confused... do I speak to it? I look around awkwardly... I'd never spoken to a computer before.

"Yes Please."

I whisper as the computer complies with me, opening up all files on my computer. There are over 4,000 files, and it's overwhelming. I sigh clicking on the first one, the one that's date is from only two days ago. The file pulls up and I feel my breathing hitch in my throat... There is a picture of my mother, and across it is a word...

'Terminated.'

I scroll down because I can't look at her face, but when I scroll down there is pictures of her bloody, bullet riddled body. I start reading because I need to look away from the pictures. My eyes scan down the file, until I reach my father's name. My heart stops as I read over the words... the person who ordered the termination of my mother if she failed, was none other than my father... Alexander Pierce.


	14. Chapter 14

The room is silent all of a sudden, my breathing hitching in my throat as I read the word:

'Terminated'

Over and over again. After several minutes I get up from where I'm sitting unable to look at the computer anymore. My body is trembling and I am beyond confused... My father ordered a hit on my mother for if she "failed."? For as long as I could remember I've hated my father, even with my memory wiped that seemed to be the one thing that remained constant. I sigh silently as I stand up from where I'm sitting, I can't think about my father or my mother anymore. It just made me feel pure frustration, and there wasn't a thing I could do to fix it, they were dead, and it was too late. Instead I turn my attention to James, he is still in the kitchen, his body leaning against the counter top where he's making breakfast. At first glance everything seems normal, but when I take another step forward I realize something is off. He is frozen in place, his hands balled into tight little fists. He seems to be in a haze of some kind. He mumbles a number...

"32557038"

He mumbles the number over and over again... I may not have my memories, but I knew what that number meant... It was the same as the number on my pendant... the kind of number big organizations gave their members to make things easier to categorize. My number was provided by Hydra, but his number was provided via the army. When I read his file his number was the one is mumbling now. Was he remembering that this was his number? I wanted him to remember who he was, but this didn't seem like a memory... it seemed like something was hurting him. I take a deep breath before slowly making my way over to him. Usually people living with post traumatic stress disorder had triggers... but what was his? I don't want to get too close... I know that he's capable of hurting me, and that he could do it without meaning to.

"James?"

I whisper his name hoping that my voice will help center him. I want him to know that he is here in the now... and those things were apart of his past.

"James?"

I ask again when he doesn't open his eyes. I don't know what to do? What does one do when a person is suffering as he is. I take a step forward noting the sweat that began to form along his brow. I watch him unsure of what to do... My shaking hand reaches for his back. Slowly, my palm rests against his back which only seems to make him tense. He mutters the number again, but this time he sounds like he is pain... A faint whimper in his voice.

"Shh... James you're alright."

I whisper as the tenseness of his body only seems to grow more frigid. I move my hand from his back, and instead move around him, my hands reaching for his face. Placing my hands on either side of his face his eyes seem to close a bit tighter. Before I even have a chance to say a thing he turns to face me, his body moving at lightening speed. His metal arm around my neck within seconds. He lifts me off the ground, his gaze is locked with mine, but there is no recognition. He didn't know who I was in this moment...

"Bucky..."

I gasp as he lifts me by my neck and throws me down on the island counter top, the wind gets knocked out of me when he does this. I feel a bit dizzy as I lay there trying to think of what to do next. I put my hand over his metal one, and I try as hard as I can to pull him off of me, even though I know its pointless. I close my eyes trying hard to think, I used to be a person who could fight him, but now I didn't even remember how to.

"... Bucky please."

I beg as the room begins to get a bit fuzzy. Everything is drifting in and out of focus...

"James it's me Emilia. Please stop... you're here and you're okay. You don't need to fight me."

I sound a bit hostile, because the longer he has hand wrapped around my neck the less conscious I feel. I gasp as his gaze intensifies, my hand struggles to pull his off of me, but nothing works. I try harder to think about what to do next. If my hands can't release me from his grip, then maybe my legs can. I try to kick him with all my might, and while I manage to kick his right side. The base of my foot collides with his rip cage. He falters slightly, but all I manage to do is piss him off when I hit him. He seems to hiss when I kick him again, this time I kick harder than the last. His eyes narrow and he clenches his teeth, his grip on my throat eases for a moment as he lets go. He lifts himself onto the kitchen island counter, guiding his body to straddle mine. He glares down at me as he pins my feet beneath him, and moves his hand back to my throat. He slams my head against the counter top, pain flickering through my head, causing me to gasp. Immediately tears move to my eyes as I look up at him, the man I've come to care for, the man I had an unknown history with was going to hurt me if I didn't get through to him. Once again the room around me is starting to go in and out of focus. I lock eyes with him, and with the little strength I have left, I yell.

"James"

I shout in hopes that he'll stop if I shout. It seems to work because he freezes in place when he hears me. He blinks a few times before looking around the room, at first he doesn't move from me. He is trying to recall everything that just happened. He stares down at me and a look of horror flickers across his face as he lets go. I cough the second his hand moves from me, he puts his hands up, and runs them through his hair, as tears enter his eyes. When he sees how our bodies are positioned he quickly moves away. My throat burns and tears move down my face. I was so afraid that I hadn't even realized I was crying...

"Emilia... I'm-I'm sorry."

He states as he studies me, shaking his head in protest. He's angry with himself... so angry.

"shh..."

I whisper as I try to steady my breathing.

"... You're safe. Bucky it's okay, you warned me to stay away from you when you're having a moment, and I didn't listen."

He sighs as he shakes his head once more.

"Emilia... I'm so sorry."

He mumbles this as he looks at me. He is disoriented, and I can tell that he's frazzled from whatever he just felt. Whatever flashes of fear he'd experienced.

"Don't say your sorry James. It's okay."

Fighting through the tears and the pain, I try to give him a smile. I want to get up and hug him, but I can't, after a few attempts he helps me up. When I do sit up he wraps his arms around me pulling his body up against mine. I hug him as tightly as I can, my head against his bare chest, still feeling a weak from everything that had just happened. I groan as soreness seems to spread through me.

"You know... You've got quite the grip on you."

I say trying to make a little joke. I pull my head away from his chest, so I can look up at him. He doesn't laugh, but he does give me a small smile back.

"Please next time don't come near me... just let me have my moment. I really don't want to hurt you."

I nod.

"Hey, from what I remembered this morning I'm very fierce."

He nods leaning down to press his lips to mine. His lips go against mine softly, he is holding me like I'm a fragile vase. Like at any moment I could break underneath his touch. Which at this point is how I felt... I felt broken, and achy... everything hurt. How could anyone fight him and live? He was brutal, and that was just from his hand being around my throat...

"Yes.. You were, but until you remember how to fight like the old you... please just be careful."

With shaky hands I cup his face forcing him to look at me when he seems determined not to. I don't want him to be afraid of me, or himself. But I wasn't sure how to ease his troubles... He looks so lost and sad just standing there. His eyes hold trauma, his blue eyes as wide with fear as they were in my dream.

"James, it's okay. I'm fine, you're fine. You're going to be okay James... I promise."

He breathes a deep breath as he continues to hold me.

"When I first met you, you were so tough and nothing could hurt you. You knew how to take people down in a few simple moves, and now the new you is so delicate. If your old self could see you now she'd be livid."

I shrug my shoulders as he holds me.

"Is it strange that I'm alright with that? That I'm perfectly okay with being nothing like the person I was?"

He smiles.

"It's fine, just know that I want you to be whoever you want to be."

I hug him a little tighter and rest my head against his chest. My heart was still beating fast, my breathing finally going back to normal. He hugs me a bit tighter and I wince in pain.

"I'm so sorry."

He whispers as he bends down to pick me up, he carries me like a man carries a woman when they're just married. I wrap my arms around his shoulders as he carries me out of fear that he'll drop me.

"James you don't need to say sorry. It's not your fault."

I mumble this as I close my eyes, I felt dizzy. Did he give me a concussion? I felt like he'd knocked the wind out of me... when he lays me down his metal hand carefully lays my head against the pillow. He gives me an apologetic look before the look of horror he had before returns to his handsome face. He looks down at his left hand... on it is blood... my blood.

"Emilia... what did I do to you?"

He asks in confusion as I shrug my shoulders.

"You hit my head against the kitchen counter... talking about scrambling eggs."

I joke as his gaze turns stern.

"Emilia this is serious."

I sigh feeling a bit delirious.

"I know, but what are you going to do? We are in Russia, in the mountains. There are Hydra members after the both of us, and this is the only safe place. There aren't any doctors here. So unless you know how to fix me, I'm going to pass out..."

I mumble the last part of the sentence. I sound drunk, my words slurring as my eyes begin to feel even heavier. I look at him as my eyes begin to close, my focus on him growing fuzzier and fuzzier until I all I can see is darkness.


	15. Chapter 15

My head aches, hurting worse than anything I'd ever felt before. I groan as I open my eyes. What was going on? Where am I? My brow furrows as I look around the room... Next to me, in bed is none other than James Buchanan Barnes. I watch him cautiously as I sit up slowly feeling the ache in my head move with me. What was going on? How did we end up in bed together? Normally he was in a cell... we weren't allowed to be near each other long enough to really fall asleep together. I continue to watch James as he sleeps... he looks so peaceful... I've never seen him look so peaceful in my life. I want to reach out and touch him, but I know that would be a bad idea. My father had taught me one thing... never wake the winter soldier. I sigh running my hands through my hair, as I do this my fingers move to the back of my head. I cringe when I feel stitches... How did I get a cut in the back of my head? How did I get stitches? I carefully pull back the blankets of the bed I'm laying in. Everything in my head seems foggy and out of place, every thought not making any sense. I felt like I'd been asleep in a strange dream for months, but how was that possible? Glancing to my right, I reach for my cell phone which is on the nightstand right next to the bed. When I pick it up it confuses me... I thought my phone was a flip phone, not a square with no keys... how does someone even turn this on? I look at it confused, I felt like I knew how to work it, and that it was mine, but I was unsure. I lift the phone off the table and study it through the darkness of the room. On the top right corner there is a small rectangular button, I push the button and the phone lights up. When I look at the screen there is a date... May 6, 2014. My heart begins to race... how was that possible the last date I remembered was December 2, 2007. I glance over my shoulder studying James as I try to wrack my brain... what was the last thing I remembered? I close my eyes thinking hard until I reach an answer. The last thing I really remembered was the sound of electricity moving closer and closer to my head as members of Hydra strapped me down to a chair. My father had ordered them to wipe my memories, because I'd slept with James. Alexander Pierce wouldn't allow his daughter to fall in love with his favorite weapon.. the infamous winter soldier. I could remember my teeth biting down on a mouth guard that way my teeth wouldn't grind together... I could feel the straps that confined me... they must've been successful in making me forget, because seven years later here I was with no recollection of how I got here. I stand up from the bed needing to move, but when I do my knees give out from under me. Whatever caused my brain injury had caused the rest of my body great pain. I land on the floor, with my hands on the bed as I lay there helplessly. I watch James as he stirs in his sleep, he was going to wake up and then what would he do? Clearly he'd found me and brought me here, and apparently even without my memories, I'd fallen for him... I sigh looking at him and how handsome he looks as he lays there. Of course I'd fallen for him... He was flawless, and he'd have to be to make a hydra member like me change sides. I breathe a deep sigh as I attempt to pull myself up off the ground, this time I'm more successful than my previous effort. I take a few steps across the room my body aching with every passing step. I can only assume that he did this to me...or at least that's the conclusion I come to when I run my fingers over my neck and feel the bruising of what feels to be a hand print. Did I make him angry? I hoped not, because how was I supposed to explain that I didn't remember what I did? When I reach the foot of the bed, the floor squeaks underneath me. Instantly I know he's awake. I freeze taking a deep breath as he speaks.

"Emilia? What are you doing up? You should be resting."

His voice is cold when he says this. He seems frustrated with my choice to get up and walk on my own. I bite down on the bottom of my lip before I turn slowly to face him. The second I do I stare at him... His hair was longer than I remembered, his eyes a much more haunting shade of blue. The second our eyes meet he knows something is up. I think he can tell by the look in my eyes that the Emilia he'd spent time with prior to this moment is gone. Well maybe not gone, but I certainly am not the same as I was before. Based on his expression alone, I can't tell if he's happy or sad. Suddenly nerves flicker through me... what if he didn't like me? What if he'd like the brainwashed version of me more?

"Emilia?"

He asks, this time there's an edge in his voice. I look away from his gaze closing my eyes. Once again my thoughts are unclear. I feel like I remember who I am, but at the same time I'm still confused. My breathing seems to grow a bit more rapid as flashes of different images flicker through my mind. All at once I see some of my memories... the ones that were real, the ones that were made up, and the ones I'd made after Hydra released the new me. It's like a kaleidoscope of my past memories, and the memories I'd made after the wiped my brain. I can feel the electricity run through my body... I can see the image of my mother getting shot... I could still feel the sting of my skin slapping his all those years ago. I hear the bed move, his body leaving the mattress. I open my eyes glaring up at him as I put my hand out in front of me.

"Don't come any closer."

I state through clenched teeth. I don't want him near me... I need to gather my thoughts. I run my hands through my hair as more memories seem to haunt me. I don't know what's going on, but I can only assume that my mind is trying to connect my old memories to my new ones. For the first time in my life, I understood what it felt like to be Bucky Barnes. I felt confusion, and I could feel my mind's determination to make me remember, to make me, me again. My eyes dart around the room as a new level of insanity overtakes me.

"Emilia?..."

He asks cautiously.

"...Is that you? I mean the real you?"

The real me? Did he mean the version of me that would never have allowed his hand to wrap around my throat in the first place? The me that would kick his ass before he even had the chance to touch me... Yes, that must be what he meant. I nod looking at the ground, as I try to steady my breathing. When I move my hands through my hair, I feel my stitches again, but this time when I touch them I remember how they got there. He'd been having a flashback... and I'd tried to help him. He was so detached and unaware of his surroundings that he'd hurt me. He slammed my head against the counter... maybe that's why I remembered more. I look at him wide eyed, he takes a step forward. There's sympathy is in his eyes, a sympathy that I was once trained to hate.

"It's me..."

I whimper.

"... You knocked my memories back into me I guess."

I state folding my arms across my chest, I know my eyes are unkind... the way they'd been when we'd first met. My body language cold and uptight. He sighs, his eyes looking me up and down.

"Come back to bed."

I shake my head in protest as I look away from him. I feel tears in my eyes... I'd had my memories wiped for seven years... I'd been living a lie for seven years... I move my foot to a shirt on the floor, kicking it across the room.

"How long have I been out? Was it for a whole seven years or was I strong enough to remember something before that?"

I yell this at him in frustration, turning away from his gaze. I feel so many different emotions. I feel sadness, anger, love, betrayal... all of these emotions boiling inside of me. I want to hit something... I want to beat Brock for what he did... killing my mother was a whole new low. I want to scream... They'd been successful in taking my memories away, and it hurt. It hurt more than any other kind of pain. The people I'd trusted did this to me all because I chose to love someone... all because I chose to love him. I freeze when I feel his hand on my back. From an old force of habit I turn to face him knocking his hand away. I go to hit him, but he stops me, his eyes glare down at me as he pulls me in against him.

"Don't fight me Emilia."

I look up at him, my heart seems to break the second our gazes lock. I can see the pain in his eyes... the same pain I am now feeling.

"Do you hate me?"

I ask as his brow furrows and confusion dances across his handsome face.

"Do you hate that I remember? That I know who I am.. I remember what you said last night...You told me that I was delicate now... would you hate me if I was who I used to be?"

I ask hoping it clarifies my previous statement. He shakes his head in protest as his hands move to my face.

"No.. I don't hate that you remember who you were. If anything I want you to remember who you are. I want you to be yourself, and for you to be the best you can be."

I close my eyes at his words... his sweet, sweet words.

"He actually did it... James my father actually erased my memories. All because I love you... because I wanted to stop his madness."

Tears escape my eyes as he leans down pressing his lips to my forehead.

"shh... none of that. No crying, you don't have to worry about him anymore."

I look at him, his face inches from mine. He was right... my father was dead after all. It was so sad that the death of my father made me happy... how soulless am I? I lean into his touch, my eyes closing again.

"He did this all because I loved you."

I whimper more to myself than him. My father erased my memories because of my attraction to the soldier. I'd worked with him for 10 months before I'd fallen in love with him... before I'd slept with him. Then once it was found out that I cared, daddy dearest was quick to take away the only man I'd ever truly loved. Sure I cared for Brock at one point in my life, but it was never the kind of love I'd had with James.

"He ruined my life, and made me into what he wanted. All because I wouldn't comply with his desires..."

I pause looking at him in new found realization... He'd gone through that too. He'd had everything ripped from him because of what Hydra wanted. He'd had his memories taken away so he could be the best fighter Hydra could ever ask for. Tortured, and frozen on and off all for a sick scientists' vision.

"...I'm so sorry James. Men like my father, and the ones before him... they were sick."

He is silent as he draws me in a bit closer, moving his lips to mine. When he kisses me I can't help but get caught up in it. Yes we'd kissed before, but that was without my prior memories of him. Now I had the added bonus of remembering how I felt seven years ago before my old memories froze in time, only to be replaced by new fake ones. I kiss him back with everything I've got, my hands against his chest. The kiss gets heated quick, and he stops himself before I can get to caught up in him. Stopping only when he moves his hands to my hair and feels me wince beneath him, my body sore from what had happened between us hours ago.

"Come back to bed."

He repeats whispering against my lips, eyes looking into mine as he pulls back a few inches.

"I don't know if I can rest... my thoughts are all over the place."

He nods before he bends down to pick me up, lifting me up and carrying me like he'd done before I'd lost consciousness. The longer I am awake the more I can remember the past, and the present. I now knew who I was, a luxury James didn't have yet. I hold onto him as he carries me across the room and I let go when he puts me down.

"Maybe if I punch you in the head a few times you'll remember who you are."

I state as he sits down next to me. He shakes his head, giving me a small smile.

"Go figure the second you go back to normal, you want to hit me."

He moves his hands to mine, his fingers entwining in mine. I smile weakly.

"I don't want to hit you... I was joking James."

He leans down pressing his lips to mine.

"I know."

I look at him like he's a whole new person... mostly because he feels like a whole new person. His face has stubble, and his eyes... well they hold a whole new level of sadness. I can see that he'd gone through even more trauma. How many others had he killed in my years with a wiped memory? I give his hand a gentle squeeze.

"So tell me soldier... are things better for you now without my father?"

He nods, shrugging his shoulders.

"It's a bit better... No one slaps me around anymore."

I breathe a deep breath.

"I'm glad no one slaps you around anymore..."

I pause looking around the room. My old memories gave me a vague idea of what was going on, but I wasn't sure. The place we are staying in looks like an the room I'd slept in back when I worked for Hydra, down to the painting on the walls. From what I could remember I'd promised to help James with something, but what? With my memories all over the place I needed to be reminded of everything. He was the only one who could tell me.

"... But James... I need your help... I need you to tell me everything that has happened since you found me. I need you to help me fill in the blanks."


End file.
